The horrible and omnipresent effects of the Drug War cry out to be pilloried onstage. And I mean that literally, as the budding playwright in me can already envision a hospice full of crying children singing the heartbreaking ballad "Make It Stop!" as their doctors, fearful of losing their jobs, refuse to give them sufficient morphine to ease their pain.
Then, of course, there would be the rousing patriotic number in which prospective employees of Home Depot proudly proclaim the fact that "We Pee to Get Employed!" (Now, work with me here. You see, you'd hear the urine streams jetting rhythmically off-stage as the job candidates emerge obediently from their respective restrooms in 2/4 time, holding that glistening beaker full of liquid evidence of their moral purity -- or lack thereof).
"We Pee to Get Employed" by the Drug War Generation
Another must-have ditty in such a show would be "We're Coming In!", featuring a phalanx of DEA agents in full battle regalia rhythmically kicking down American doors while half-singing and half-chanting the aggressive bass lines "We're Coming In!", as the impotent soprano cries of grandmothers and children alternately chide them and cry for mercy, not to mention for common sense and at least a modicum of simple humanity.
"We're Coming In" by Narco and the Doorkickers
In other words, I hereby call for the creation of "DRUG WAR: THE MUSICAL!"
Unfortunately, I have neither enough time nor enough phenethylamines, coca, Benzedrine and opium available to create such a masterpiece.
But maybe you can help with the play? All I ask is a share of the residuals.
Oh, I forgot. In America, drugs like Benzedrine et al. are only associated with rehab groups and misuse. I forgot that you lot had been so thoroughly programmed like that. Suffice it to say that many people actually used drugs like Benzedrine wisely before it was demonized and outlawed. Imagine that!
Of course, historically speaking, these Quixotic appeals of mine usually go unanswered...
but that won't stop me from coming up with more musical numbers wherewith to stick it to the Drug Warriors and put them on the defensive at long last. So watch this space!
By the time David Mamet contacts me, he'll just have to tie the whole thing up in a pretty knot and throw it on stage! And then, hey presto, as the British say!
I'm thinking the DEA agents could be goose-stepping and busting handheld doors as they're marching down Main Street on Drug War Day!
NOTE: Scroll down to watch the YouTube video below for a sing-along version of "We Pee to Get Employed!" aka "We're the Drug War Generation."1
Watch this space for more admittedly exciting and no-doubt hilarious ideas for the eventually upcoming stage hit: "DRUG WAR: THE MUSICAL!"
Author's Follow-up:
May 02, 2025
Here is the proposed discography for "Drug War: The Musical":
1) "Down on the Floor (NOW!)"
A musical SWAT team stomps through a terrified household, firing their guns rhythmically as they shove children and grandmothers to the floor. This song will be loosely based on "War" by Edwin Starr:
Down on the floor!
Now!
Whatcha' gonna do about it!
Nothin'!
Hah!
Down on the floor!
Now! (Good God, y'all!)
Whatcha' gonna do about it!
Nothin'!
Say it again, y'all!
2) "I Just Failed my Drug Test"
A once-perky American young person bemoans his failure to get a job at Lowe's hardware store after having been pegged as a Christian Science heretic by minimum-wage lab technicians.
3) "At Least He Died Drug-Free"
A bittersweet requiem reminiscent of Elton John's "Funeral for a Friend." Sung by black-draped mourners as they follow the casket of a friend who killed himself because we had outlawed everything that might have cheered him up.
4) "Don't Use Drugs, Fry Your Brain!"
A perky admonition to chronic depressives everywhere, reminding them that it is their moral duty to choose shock therapy over the use of drugs that inspire and elate.
5) "Mum's the Word!"
A chorus line of brainwashed American scientists "foot it" merrily about the stage, musically reminding the world that censorship is the order of the day in American academia, that all mention of beneficial drug use is worse than illegal, that it is morally wrong. The message is comically reinforced by the frequently interjected recitativo of a basso profundo tut-tutting the audience that "Mary Baker-Eddy knows best!"
6) "Drugs Kill, Fire Bad!"
A phalanx of grouchy cavepeople ominously approach the footlights in sync to martial drumbeats, bringing with them a time-honored message from the paleolithic past: namely, that it is always better to fear potentially dangerous things than to understand them. (Possibly to the tune of "West Bound Number 9"?)
7) "Oh, What a Horrible Morning!"
There's a gun-toting narc in the meadow,
There's a gun-toting narc in the meadow,
Our crushed Constitution is under his boot
And it looks like the G-man is ready to shoot
His Gun is raised high as an elephant's jaw
And it looks like he's aiming at Natural Law
Oh, what a horrible morning,
Oh, what a horrible day
When Monticello was raided
By the corrupt DEA
Now the agents are storming in jackboots
Now the agents are storming in jackboots
They've stolen the poppies with help from the staff
Which the papers report in a subparagraph
Oh, what a horrible morning,
Oh, what a horrible day
When Monticello was raided
By the corrupt DEA
Since that day, no one's said much about it
Since that day, no one's said much about it
But the bodies of Jefferson as well as Locke
Continue to spin in residual shock
Oh, what a horrible morning,
Oh, what a horrible day
When Monticello was raided
By the corrupt DEA
8) "We're Coming In!"
Another light-hearted ditty by our musical SWAT team, sung to the tune of "I'm Coming Out" by Diana Ross:
We're coming in,
We want the world to know,
We see that bag of Blow
We're coming!
We're coming in,
Let's check the hearth and rugs
You best say no to drugs!
There's a Drug War going on
And we've just got to diss
All the drugs that give you bliss
We're coming!
And if you like to use
You're gonna blow our fuse
We'll even check your shoes
We're coming in,
We want the world to know,
We see that bag of Blow
We're coming!
We're coming in,
Let's check the hearth and rugs
You best say no to drugs!
We'll stomp right through your door
And throw you to the floor
May I remind you we're at war?
We're coming!
And if we see a kid
He'll do just as we bid
Or else we'll blow our lid
We're coming!
And if the kid gets smart
Or starts to fall apart
We'll shoot him in the heart
We're coming!
And we must further stress
That if we've got the wrong address
We couldn't care much less
9) "Then I saw that drug, now I'm an abuser!"
A riff on the pop hit "I'm a Believer." The tune parodies the Drug Warrior notion that demonized drugs can only be abused, not used. To the extent that this idea is true, it is because of the self-fulfilling prophecy created by drug laws that render use as dangerous as possible, by refusing to teach safe use, refusing to regulate product, and refusing to re-legalize a vast array of options for those who desire to relax, improve, or transcend self with psychoactive medicines -- or who wish to philosophically investigate a la William James the nature of mind and matter and of Reality writ large.
10) "Make It Stop"
A real tearjerker! Kids in an Indian hospice singing plaintively as they toddle about the ICU, pushing their IVs before them, begging for the pain relief that they cannot receive thanks to the pernicious effects of the fearmongering of racist and xenophobic Drug Warriors in the States.
Of course, there will be one stubborn character in the Drug War Musical who has not been successfully brainwashed by Drug War propaganda. She will defiantly sing the following heretical lyrics, in a telling parody of the Drug Warrior's own classic tune of Christendom:
11) "Give Me that Old-time Vedic Religion! (Soma and all!)"
It was good for the Punjab rishis
It was good for the Punjab rishis
It was good for the Punjab rishis
And it's good enough for me!
12) "We Pee to Get Employed"
(to the tune of "Yellow Rose of Texas")
We're the Drug War Generation
We Pee to Get Employed
We gave up all the freedoms
Our forebears once enjoyed
Comedy
The Drug War is laughable -- or it would be if the Drug Warriors hadn't deprived us of laughing gas, the substance that William James himself used to study alternate realities.
1: The video entitled "We Pee to Get Employed" is the a/v equivalent of "out of print." But it's actually on a YouTube website somewhere. The fact is, it's so unvisited that even I myself have lost track of it. But if you're committed enough to reading thus far in a mere footnote on this topic, I'm sure you can dish up that content without a silver platter from ME. (up)
Ten Tweets
against the hateful war on US
This is why America is creeping toward authoritarianism -- because of the prohibitionists' ability to get away with everything by blaming "drugs." The fact that Americans still fall for this crap represents a kind of collective pathology.
Today's Washington Post reports that "opioid pills shipped" DROPPED 45% between 2011 and 2019..... while fatal overdoses ROSE TO RECORD LEVELS! Prohibition is PUBLIC ENEMY NUMBER ONE.
The 2024 Colorado bill was withdrawn -- but only when pols realized that they had been caught in the act of outlawing free speech. They did not let opponents speak, however, because they knew the speeches would make the pols look like the anti-democratic jerks that they were.
The healthcare industry turns all the emotional downsides of drug prohibition into "illnesses."
I might as well say that no one can ever be taught to ride a horse safely. I would argue as follows: "Look at Christopher Reeves. He was a responsible and knowledgeable equestrian. But he couldn't handle horses. The fact is, NO ONE can handle horses!"
The outlawing of opium eventually resulted in an "opioid crisis"? The message is clear: people want self-transcendence. If we don't let them find it safely, they will find it dangerously.
Drug warriors are too selfish and short-sighted to fight real problems, so they blame everything on drugs.
David Chalmers says almost everything in the world can be reductively explained. Maybe so. But science's mistake is to think that everything can therefore be reductively UNDERSTOOD. That kind of thinking blinds researchers to the positive effects of laughing gas and MDMA, etc.
Ann Lemke's case studies make the usual assumptions: getting free from addiction is a morality tale. No reference to how the drug war promotes addiction and how banned drugs could solve such problems. She does not say why daily SSRI use is acceptable while daily opium use is not. Etc.
They drive to their drug tests in pickup trucks with license plates that read "Don't tread on me." Yeah, right. "Don't tread on me: Just tell me how and how much I'm allowed to think and feel in this life. And please let me know what plants I can access."
This is why America is creeping toward authoritarianism -- because of the prohibitionists' ability to get away with everything by blaming "drugs." The fact that Americans still fall for this crap represents a kind of collective pathology.