Urine testers needed to ruin American lives
NARRATOR: Do you have what it takes to ruin the lives of your fellow Americans for no good reason whatsoever? Then become a lab technician today and start analyzing the urine of your fellow Americans. It's exciting work. Just listen.
JOE: Here's the next test tube, Mary. Be very careful with this one. This guy is trying to get a job at Taco Bell.
MARY: Oh, my.
JOE: I know, right? And the last thing we want is for a Taco Bell employee to be using the plant medicines of Mother Nature for psychological healing and improvement.
MARY: Yes, that would be terrible, indeed.
JOE: Beginning the urine analysis in 3, 2, 1... Begin, Mary.
MARY: Uh-oh. It looks like he drank a beer last night.
JOE: Him and every other right-thinking American, Mary. Remember, we're looking for evil substances here.
MARY: Fair enough, Joe.
JOE: What other substances have you found in this urine, Mary?
MARY: Well, he's got five times the normal amount of caffeine in his system.
JOE: Oh, that's no problem. He's probably just been drinking Red Bull. I drink it myself. Next substance, please, Mary.
MARY: Oh, this is terrible!
JOE: What's that, Mary?
MARY: He's got some sort of synthetic garbage in his system that has screwed up his brain chemistry and appears to be more addictive than heroin.
JOE: What? Oh, never mind that. That's just one of those Big Pharma antidepressants. Everyone takes them these days.
MARY: Oh, right. Never mind.
JOE: This guy is still a good Christian, if you ask me.
MARY: A good Christian?
JOE: Er, I mean a good candidate for an exciting job at Taco Bell.
MARY: Yep. He looks squeaky clean to me.
JOE: I would consider it an honor to eat any crunchy gordita that this guy created with his own drug-free hands.
THE ANGELS: Praise God!
MARY: Oh, wait a minute. There is one other psychoactive substance in this urine sample.
JOE: Let's hope it's only nicotine. I would really like to give this guy a clean bill of health.
MARY: Oh, dear. I am afraid this guy smoked as many as two marijuana cigarettes over the course of the past two months.
[indignant drug warriors gasp]
JOE: How disgusting! That is in clear violation of the most righteous and holy Drug War Sharia and the religion of Christian Science upon which this country is based.
MARY: I know, right?
JOE: That was a close call. We almost allowed this guy to get a job at Taco Bell.
[indignant drug warriors gasp again]
MARY: It makes me shiver just to think about it.
JOE: Don't worry, Mary. When we publish these anti-patriotic results, this drug war rebel will be out on the streets, where all Christian Science heretics belong.
JOE: He won't be able to get a job at the local thrift shop when we're done with him.
NARRATOR: Sounds like a fun workday, huh? Well, you too can participate in the extrajudicial enforcement of Christian Science Sharia. Call 1-800-PISS-OFF today for more information about how you can help destroy the lives of heretic Americans who persist in thinking that Mother Nature's pharmacy actually belongs to them. That's 1-800-PISS-OFF. Or contact us online at ScrewTheHellOutOfThomasJeffersonNaturalLaw.com.