Abolish the DEA

Urine testers needed to ruin American lives

NARRATOR: Do you have what it takes to ruin the lives of your fellow Americans for no good reason whatsoever? Then become a lab technician today and start analyzing the urine of your fellow Americans. It's exciting work. Just listen.

JOE: Here's the next test tube, Mary. Be very careful with this one. This guy is trying to get a job at Taco Bell.

MARY: Oh, my.

JOE: I know, right? And the last thing we want is for a Taco Bell employee to be using the plant medicines of Mother Nature for psychological healing and improvement.

MARY: Yes, that would be terrible, indeed.

JOE: Beginning the urine analysis in 3, 2, 1... Begin, Mary.

MARY: Uh-oh. It looks like he drank a beer last night.

JOE: Him and every other right-thinking American, Mary. Remember, we're looking for evil substances here.

MARY: Fair enough, Joe.

JOE: What other substances have you found in this urine, Mary?

MARY: Well, he's got five times the normal amount of caffeine in his system.

JOE: Oh, that's no problem. He's probably just been drinking Red Bull. I drink it myself. Next substance, please, Mary.

MARY: Oh, this is terrible!

JOE: What's that, Mary?

MARY: He's got some sort of synthetic garbage in his system that has screwed up his brain chemistry and appears to be more addictive than heroin.

JOE: What? Oh, never mind that. That's just one of those Big Pharma antidepressants. Everyone takes them these days.

MARY: Oh, right. Never mind.

JOE: This guy is still a good Christian, if you ask me.

MARY: A good Christian?

JOE: Er, I mean a good candidate for an exciting job at Taco Bell.

MARY: Yep. He looks squeaky clean to me.

JOE: I would consider it an honor to eat any crunchy gordita that this guy created with his own drug-free hands.

THE ANGELS: Praise God!

MARY: Oh, wait a minute. There is one other psychoactive substance in this urine sample.

JOE: Let's hope it's only nicotine. I would really like to give this guy a clean bill of health.

MARY: Oh, dear. I am afraid this guy smoked as many as two marijuana cigarettes over the course of the past two months.

[indignant drug warriors gasp]

JOE: How disgusting! That is in clear violation of the most righteous and holy Drug War Sharia and the religion of Christian Science upon which this country is based.

MARY: I know, right?

JOE: That was a close call. We almost allowed this guy to get a job at Taco Bell.

[indignant drug warriors gasp again]

MARY: It makes me shiver just to think about it.

JOE: Don't worry, Mary. When we publish these anti-patriotic results, this drug war rebel will be out on the streets, where all Christian Science heretics belong.

MARY: Amen.

JOE: He won't be able to get a job at the local thrift shop when we're done with him.

NARRATOR: Sounds like a fun workday, huh? Well, you too can participate in the extrajudicial enforcement of Christian Science Sharia. Call 1-800-PISS-OFF today for more information about how you can help destroy the lives of heretic Americans who persist in thinking that Mother Nature's pharmacy actually belongs to them. That's 1-800-PISS-OFF. Or contact us online at ScrewTheHellOutOfThomasJeffersonNaturalLaw.com.




DEA help line
Drug War Jeopardy
Drug War Virus Update
Movie Review of Running With the Devil 2019
Step Away from the Mushroom!
Urine testers needed to ruin American lives
Your Call is Impotent to Us
Back to AbolishTheDEA.com main page