Abolish the DEA

Urine testers needed to ruin American lives

NARRATOR: Do you have what it takes to ruin the lives of your fellow Americans for no good reason whatsoever? Then become a lab technician today and start analyzing the urine of your fellow Americans. It's exciting work. Just listen.

JOE: Here's the next test tube, Mary. Be very careful with this one. This guy is trying to get a job at Taco Bell.

MARY: Oh, my.

JOE: I know, right? And the last thing we want is for a Taco Bell employee to be using the plant medicines of Mother Nature for psychological healing and improvement.

MARY: Yes, that would be terrible, indeed.

JOE: Beginning the urine analysis in 3, 2, 1... Begin, Mary.

MARY: Uh-oh. It looks like he drank a beer last night.

JOE: Him and every other right-thinking American, Mary. Remember, we're looking for evil substances here.

MARY: Fair enough, Joe.

JOE: What other substances have you found in this urine, Mary?

MARY: Well, he's got five times the normal amount of caffeine in his system.

JOE: Oh, that's no problem. He's probably just been drinking Red Bull. I drink it myself. Next substance, please, Mary.

MARY: Oh, this is terrible!

JOE: What's that, Mary?

MARY: He's got some sort of synthetic garbage in his system that has screwed up his brain chemistry and appears to be more addictive than heroin.

JOE: What? Oh, never mind that. That's just one of those Big Pharma antidepressants. Everyone takes them these days.

MARY: Oh, right. Never mind.

JOE: This guy is still a good Christian, if you ask me.

MARY: A good Christian?

JOE: Er, I mean a good candidate for an exciting job at Taco Bell.

MARY: Yep. He looks squeaky clean to me.

JOE: I would consider it an honor to eat any crunchy gordita that this guy created with his own drug-free hands.

THE ANGELS: Praise God!

MARY: Oh, wait a minute. There is one other psychoactive substance in this urine sample.

JOE: Let's hope it's only nicotine. I would really like to give this guy a clean bill of health.

MARY: Oh, dear. I am afraid this guy smoked as many as two marijuana cigarettes over the course of the past two months.

[indignant drug warriors gasp]

JOE: How disgusting! That is in clear violation of the most righteous and holy Drug War Sharia and the religion of Christian Science upon which this country is based.

MARY: I know, right?

JOE: That was a close call. We almost allowed this guy to get a job at Taco Bell.

[indignant drug warriors gasp again]

MARY: It makes me shiver just to think about it.

JOE: Don't worry, Mary. When we publish these anti-patriotic results, this drug war rebel will be out on the streets, where all Christian Science heretics belong.

MARY: Amen.

JOE: He won't be able to get a job at the local thrift shop when we're done with him.

NARRATOR: Sounds like a fun workday, huh? Well, you too can participate in the extrajudicial enforcement of Christian Science Sharia. Call 1-800-PISS-OFF today for more information about how you can help destroy the lives of heretic Americans who persist in thinking that Mother Nature's pharmacy actually belongs to them. That's 1-800-PISS-OFF. Or contact us online at ScrewTheHellOutOfThomasJeffersonNaturalLaw.com.

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