Drug War Virus Update
ANNOUNCER: Virus Update. From New York, here is David Smith.
SMITH: Good afternoon. The Drug War virus continues to spread unchecked. Every day, more and more previously sensible Americans are believing in drug warrior lies and the drug warriors demonization of Mother Nature's psychoactive plant medicines. We take you to the latest virus hot spot, downtown Washington, D.C., where our correspondent, Angela, is standing outside of the White House. Angela, it looks like everybody is wearing a mask there. why is that?
ANGELA: Well, David, the Mayor ordered the wearing of masks effective immediately because he said, quote:
MAYOR: I am getting sick and tired of hearing all the drug war propaganda escaping from people's mouths after they get infected by this terrible virus. While we don't have the power to stop this blather, we can at least contain it by mandating masks, which discourage talking and also make it harder to hear the lies that escape the lips of these drug warrior zombies.
DAVID: Look out behind you, Angela. There is an actual drug war zombie approaching you.
ANGELA: Oh, that's okay, David. These zombies are generally harmless, unless they get inside a voting booth. That's when they elect despots, narrow-minded bureaucrats who would gladly see the world steeped in blood rather than allowing human beings to have the same free access to plant medicines that they had prior to the enactment of the racially motivated Harrison Narcotics Act of 1914.
DAVID: And how can you tell if a person is infected?
DAVID: Besides the obvious fact that they may be gnawing on human body parts.
ANGELA: Such people will generally believe a wide variety of drug war propaganda that would have struck them as silly prior to their infection with the drug war virus.
DAVID: For instance?
ANGELA: Well, when you discuss the topic of drugs with an infected individual, they'll usually bring up the blatantly mendacious drug warrior lie that so-called drugs fry the brain, when in reality, the vast majority of Mother Nature's plant medicines do nothing of the kind.
DAVID: Are you sure you're safe there, Angela?
ANGELA: To the contrary, Freud used cocaine to focus his brain power, Benjamin Franklin used opium to increase his creativity, and Francis Crick used psychedelics in order to think outside the box, thanks to which strategy he was the first to identify the DNA helix.
DAVID: I also hear that infected individuals are so crazed on the subject of banning Mother Nature's medicines that they even ban research on plants that could cure Alzheimer's Disease.
ANGELA: That's right, David. In a sane world, we would be running hundreds of tests around the clock as we speak in order to leverage the brain-growing power of natural substances like ayahuasca.
DAVID: Incoming, Angela.
ANGELA: Beat it, creep. But once the drug war virus attaches to the brain, the infected individual becomes such a fanatic on prohibition that he or she would rather see their own loved ones die a slow, horrible death by Alzheimer's Disease rather than to give scientists the freedom to study plant medicines without government interference.
DAVID: Thanks for that update, Angela.
ANGELA: Oh, I should mention there is one more way to determine if a person has the virus.
ANGELA: Other than the fact that they like to dine on human arms al dente.
DAVID: And what is this other symptom of the drug war virus?
ANGELA: An infected person will happily submit him or herself to a urine test for employment without caring in the least about their civil liberties, not to mention the fact that, when viewed rightly, the test in question represents the extrajudicial enforcement of Christian Science Sharia.
DAVID: You're kidding. An infected will actually be happy to submit to such a blatant indignity as employee drug testing?
ANGELA: That's right.
DAVID: What, you mean like... "Thank you, sir, may I have another?"
ANGELA: What can I say, David. The drug war virus does terrible things to the brain.
DAVID: Thanks, Angela. We'll check back with you soon. Careful! There's another drug war zombie on your six.
ANGELA: I said beat it, creep!
ANNOUNCER: This has been a drug war virus update with David Smith in New York. Stay tuned to ABC News for the latest on the Drovid Virus.