AbolishTheDEA.com October 27, 2019

How Drug Warriors Steal American Elections

by Ballard Quass




Welcome back to the DEA Lounge!

APPLAUSE

How many people realize that American elections are fixed? Let's see a show of hands.

GASP

You heard me. American elections are fixed, and they have been fixed for the last 40 years.

GASP

How? No, it has nothing to do with the Russians. It's because the drug war, each year, is locking up almost a million left-leaning voters.

GASP

Think about it. The folks that we're arresting for mere drug possession were never going to vote for conservatives, so it follows that it is in the conservative interest to keep the drug war going full tilt, to keep a million left-leaning Americans off the voting rolls every year.

GASP

This is why the drug war goes on, because we're arresting all the voters that would throw the drug warriors out of office.

BOO

Nowadays, we see national elections decided by mere thousands of votes -- so just imagine the enormous benefit that drug war conservatives receive when a million of their opponents are removed from the voting rolls every year thanks to a felony charge for possession.

GASP

Did I mention that this actually bothers me?

APPLAUSE

This is why, far from apologizing for being mad, I urge my fellow Americans to become as pissed as I am.

APPLAUSE

As for the Christian Science narcs in the room, relax. I'm just suggesting -- merely hinting -- that you just possibly might want to consider a career that does not entail the corruption of American elections and the denial of basic rights to your fellow Americans, that's all I'm saying. Just think about it. Just think that you might possibly (just maybe) want to stop ruining a million lives a year, thereby subverting American elections. Fair enough?

LAUGHTER

As for the rest of you lot, enough with the oh-so-cool cynicism about civic involvement. Hop out of the urine-testing line and complain for a change!

Baaaa!

All right, who just bleated? Don't make me come out there!



Next essay: Running with the DEA -- er, I mean the Devil
Previous essay: A Drug Warrior in our Midst
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There was no drug problem in Ancient Egypt. There was no drug problem in Ancient Greece. There was no drug problem in Ancient Persia. There was no drug problem in Ancient Rome. There was no drug problem in the Mongol Kingdom. There was no drug problem in the Viking Era.

Why? Because until 1914, people were judged by how they behaved, not by what substances they had in their digestive system.

The Drug War is America's unique, anti-scientific way of looking at the world. It is a war that causes all of the problems that it purports to fix: above all, it brings "drugs" front and center in the minds of the irresponsible, encouraging them to explore and use substances that they might have never even heard of without the peurile and anti-scientific plant demonization of drug war zealots.











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More pics every week!

Get an exciting job ruining the lives of your fellow Americans. Listen to this fun audio clip to find out how!









Help America enforce Christian Science Sharia. Help nail the anti-patriotic scumbags who insist on using mother nature's plant medicines of which politicians disapprove. Great benefits. Must pass a squeaky clean drug test, proving that you have emphatically renounced all of mother nature's godsend plant medicines.






Can't pass a urine test? Order a vintage bottle of Granny's Weewee today, guaranteed squeaky clean. We use only the finest urine from teetotaling grandmothers, who gave up their right to mother nature's psychoactive plant medicines many decades ago. Why not splurge and buy the 1945 vintage? You don't want to pass up a job at Taco Bell because you were stingy! This early vintage has a great down-home bouquet and will remind the lab technicians of the good old days of Grandma and those great pies that she used to bake (or whatever).










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by Christian Science Heretics



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DEA help line









Manager's note: All of our comedians have undergone drug testing. None of them have been found to be using anything but the most mind-enhancing and therapeutic plants in Mother Nature's psychoactive pharmacy.

A Drug Warrior in our Midst

Comedian Adderall Zoloft Riffs on the Drug War

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Dear Reddit readers: I do not respond to Reddit messages for at least three reasons:
  1. Some of them are mean-spirited nonsense.
  2. Some of them are non-mean-spirited but nonsense all the same.
  3. Some of them are simply wrong-headed but inspire me to write fully reasoned comebacks, for which I simply don't have time.
If you really want to reach me, however, my name and email address can be found in a reasonably intuitive location on this site, so feel free to contact me there. I'll assume that anyone who takes the time to do so will have something meaningful to say ;)


Bone up on slam-dunk arguments against the drug war, starting with the fact that it was a violation of natural law to outlaw plant medicine in the first place. Check out the site menu for fun ways to learn more about the manifold injustice of the status quo, including many knock-down arguments never made before. Why? Because even the majority of drug-war opponents have been bamboozled by one or more of the absurd assumptions upon which that war is premised. See through the haze. Read on. Listen on. And Learn how tryants and worrywarts have despoiled American freedom, thereby killing millions around the world, totally unnecessarily, ever since the fateful day in 1914 when ignorant America first criminalized a mere plant -- and insisted that the rest of the world follow suit or else -- an act of colonialist folly unrivaled since the day of the genocidal Conquistadors.

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Abolish the DEA image featuring machine-gun-bearing DEA officers enforcing drug law sharia, cracking down on Americans for using Mother Nature's freely offered bounty

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