"There is no argument which so touches the feeble reason of the madman as the argumentum ad absurdum." -- Edgar Allan Poe, from 'The System of Dr. Tarr and Professor Fether'.
Welcome, Concerned Parents Everywhere!
Here in America, we've managed to successfully criminalize almost all naturally occurring godsend medicines and thus save our dearest and whitest children from the consequences of their own folly.
But our work is not yet done. The world is full of many OTHER dangers that call for prompt and drastic legal action as well. Young white children are dying every day from entirely preventable causes! And why? Because our lax laws continue to allow American citizens to flirt lasciviously with danger -- on the highways, in the kitchen, at the playground -- even in the grocery store. So while the Drug War may have succeeded beyond the wildest dreams of our Chicken Little ancestors, placing virtually the entire world under a kind of Christian Science Sharia (taking children away from heretics while confiscating their houses and denying them employment anywhere in America) there are hundreds of other threats that we must attack with equal ferocity if we're to achieve the Partnership's goal of a Death Free America by the year 2030.
Remember, if we can save just one young stateside suburban Caucasian from their own idiocy, then all of the drive-by shootings and the civil wars that our Draconian laws cause will be well worth it! (True, there may be a few hundred million people like the depressed who go without godsend medicines, but in Congress, no one can hear them scream!)
Tip for parents: Keep your kids' minds off of all these killer activities. Teach them to shoot and collect guns instead! It's a fun and informative hobby and it can even save lives. Who knows? The next time somebody draws a gun in church, your son or daughter may be there to shoot them down and end up as a hero on the nightly news!
"The Partnership for a Drug Free America has been supported by manufacturers of cigarettes, beer, coffee and tranquilizers." p. 277 --Jacob Sullum1
Title: "Death Plunge"
Topic: Rollercoasters
TRT: 00:43
Producer: Mir Kofron
Think coasters are fun? Tell that to the five people killed at the Battersea Fun Fair in 1972 when the cable of the Big Dipper snapped while the train was at the top of the hill! Show the world that they did not die in vain! Tell your representative to outlaw roller coasters today.
Title: "Trail of Tears"
Topic: The Grand Canyon
TRT: 01:03
Producer: Kizzy Briskin
An average of six people die every week in the Grand Canyon, all so that they could take pictures that already exist by the millions online. Let's end this national nightmare. Write your representative and tell them to close the Grand Canyon to tourists NOW! This message brought to you by the Partnership for a Death Free America. Working to make America death free by 2030.
Title: "Too Hot to Trot"
Topic: Horses
TRT: 00:19
Producer: Sunny Tuel
100,000 Americans are injured every year in horse-related accidents. In fact, horseback riding is more dangerous than both motorcycle riding and skiing. It's also the leading cause of sports-related traumatic brain injuries. So tell your kids to "just say whoa!" Look at Christopher Reeves. He was a responsible and knowledgeable equestrian. But he couldn't handle horses. The fact is, NO ONE can handle horses! Because let's face it: horseback riding is not a pastime, folks, it's a suicide 2 attempt. This message brought to you by the Partnership for a Death Free America.
Note: The Partnership is working with Congress to punish Mexico for sending horses across our border! They will PAY for injuring our poor innocent little white kids!
Title: "Unsafe at Any Speed"
Topic: Cars
TRT: 00:47
Producer: Edwina Bubak
Over 37,000 Americans die every year in traffic accidents, many of them young upstanding white kids like yours and mine. Stop the carnage now. Tell the DEA to outlaw cars and support House Bill 2026G to hold car dealers responsible for all car-related deaths. This message brought to you by the Partnership for a Death Free America.
Peanuts kill over 100 children a year, many of them white. Let's stop the madness. Tell the DEA to classify peanuts as Schedule I. This message brought to you by the Partnership for a Death Free America.
Title: "The Height of Folly"
Topic: Trees
TRT: 00:31
Producer: Buzz Skiffington
An average of 48 Americans are killed every year when they fall from a tree that they are climbing for so called "fun" (source: OSHA). Many of these victims are white suburban children, just like your own dear little angels. And yet tree climbing is still unregulated in most states. Don't let your children take the fall for America's lax tree climbing laws. Tell Congress to pass the Anti-Ascension bill, limiting tree climbing to licensed professionals. This message brought to you by the Partnership for a Death Free America.
Title: "Death in the Cereal Aisle"
Topic: Grocery carts
TRT: 00:30
Producer: Condor Pifkin
24,000 people are injured by shopping carts every year. 85% of the victims are white kids. Call your representatives today and tell them that enough is enough. It's time to ban shopping carts in all grocery stores. This message brought to you by the Partnership for a Death Free America. [Editor's note: read "shopping trolley" in UK]
Think skateboarding is fun? Tell that to the parents of the 40 kids who are killed every year by this deadly pastime. This message brought to you by the Partnership for a Death Free America.
Title: "Shoot to Kill"
Topic: Selfies
TRT: 00:44
Producer: Victor Dovekin
More teens die from taking selfies than from shark attacks. Tell your congressman that it's time to outlaw mobile phones. (For 87 kids this year, it's already too late.) This message brought to you by the Partnership for a Death Free America.
Title: "Fire Bad!"
Topic: Fire
TRT: 00:44
Producer: Scancy Festin
Do you know that there were 3,729 deaths by fire in America in 2022 alone and that most of the victims were white? And yet America's lax laws allow just anyone to build a fire whenever they please! This is pure madness and it must stop! Our cavemen had it right: "Fire bad!" But not to worry: we will be launching a media campaign in May 2025 to remind everyone of that time-honored truth. Click below to listen to our first ad in a series of PSA's designed to outlaw fire completely!
Title: "Death Merchant of the Savanna"
Topic: Hippos
TRT: 00:44
Producer: Tomly Pierce
People ask how can I be in favor of the eradication of hippopotamuses? I look at my children and ask, "How can I NOT????" Hippos kill thousands of people every year, many of them children. This message brought to you by the Partnership for a Death Free America.
1,800 people die each year in car accidents caused by ice. Many of them are young white teenagers. Tell Congress to vote no on the latest Climate Change bill. This message brought to you by the Partnership for a Death Free America.
Champagne corks kill at least 20 people every year, many of them white American teenagers. Tell Congress to pass the Safe Carbonation Act of 2023. This message brought to you by the Partnership for a Death Free America.
People ask me, "How can you advocate the mass killing of sharks?" I look at my children and say, "How could I NOT?" Sharks kill at least 10 people every year, many of them innocent widdle white children. This message courtesy of the Partnership for a Death Free America.
If you see someone abusing a mobile phone, call your local authorities.
An average of two people die every year attempting to scale Longs Peak in Colorado. Just say no to mountain climbing. This message brought to you by the Partnership for a Death Free America.
But seriously, folks...
In the 1990s, the Partnership for a Drug Free America 3 ran the most mendacious ad in the history of public service announcements, the one in which they claimed that drugs fry the brain4 the moment that they're outlawed by botanically clueless politicians. (You remember the ad: the one featuring the sizzling egg with the ominous voiceover: "This is your brain on drugs.") Not only was that false, but it was almost the opposite of the truth. Most psychoactive drugs focus and expand the mind when taken under the right conditions. If any drugs "fry" the brain, they are the Big Pharma meds which 1 in 4 American women take every day of their lives.
I guess the Partnership finally figured out that a "drug free America" is too obviously a Christian Scientist goal and that most Americans do not want to give up on drugs entirely. So they've retrenched to target kids only by rebranding themselves as Partnership for Drug Free Kids. Of course, it's still not clear why even children should say no to psychoactive medicines that could help them. We certainly do not think that's true when it comes to Big Pharma "meds," more's the pity. No, we're happy to tranquilize our kids with supposedly scientifically created synthetics, but we're determined not to let them have any naturally occurring godsends that might sharpen their minds and let them rise above the psychological boundaries imposed by tyrannical parents, for instance.
Nor should we withhold morphine 5 from children in hospice, unless we truly value a Drug War more than our children -- which, alas, seems to be the case in at least 150 countries around the world, in which morphine 6 is not available for kids, thanks to the Christian Science sensibilities of our puritanical Drug Warriors. (For more on this hidden travesty of the Drug War, see the work of Damon Barrett 7 .)
In short, the Partnership still doesn't get it: We should say "no" to unnecessary substance use, of course, but that doesn't make a good slogan. Besides, the Partnership wants to encourage fear, not understanding, otherwise they would never encourage kids to refrain from drugs per se. It's like telling kids that they should refrain from accepting anesthetia for any childhood surgery that they should undergo -- or that they should refrain from taking aspirin? Really? Why?
Hence, the Partnership for a Death Free America, to satirize the original Partnership's muddleheaded desire to protect our kids with fearmongering rather than common sense.
Earth to Partnership: Drugs aren't good or bad. If you think they're bad, then rebrand yourself as the Partnership for the Advancement of Christian Science. For it was the founder of that religion, Mary Baker Eddy, who first told us that drugs were bad. That is, it's a religious position, not a scientific or logical one.
As GK Chesterton points out in his book on Thomas Aquinas, God said that his creation was good, which means, according to the Catholic Church itself, that no "thing" is good or bad in itself, but rather the use of things is good or bad. The Partnership people should re-read the Book of Genesis.
In light of this latter consideration, it is a violation of religious liberty to hold DARE classes and other anti-drug programs for grade schoolers. Parents should be demanding a halt to such indoctrination of their offspring on behalf of Drug War sensibilities.
Author's Follow-up: April 19, 2023
It's informative to search the Web for "rare causes of death." In most cases, the site authors not only cite the "odd" statistics themselves, but they then go on to assure the reader that, statistically speaking, the death toll in question is very low indeed. For instance, one site about Mt. Everest tells us that 300 people have died so far in their effort to scale the historic peak. But the authors are then quick to point out that this represents only 1% of all climbers and that your chances of dying during the ascent are, in fact, "slim" -- as long as "you are properly prepared and climbing with a professional guide."
Wouldn't it be great if the reporters for the mainstream media provided the same context when writing about drug deaths? Instead of trying to make prohibitionist "hay" out of the fact that Leah Betts died using Ecstasy (only because we tried to scare her about drugs rather than educating her about them), reporters should be pointing out the inconvenient truth that the chances of dying from ecstasy use are extremely slim -- in fact, many times SLIMMER than the chances of dying from the aforementioned ascent, or even from aspirin for that matter. But the ghoulish mainstream always tries to parlay such "drug-related deaths" into scare stories about the modern boogieman called "drugs." Thus they confound the whole drug debate, meanwhile making the fat cats smile on their way to the bank to cash their dividend checks from one or more of the many drug-war beneficiaries: like Big Pharma 89 , Law Enforcement, the Corrections Industry, Psychiatry, and the bribed politicians who shape the national narratives desired by today's agenda-setting plutocrats.
Of course, one death rate is alarming outside of all context, and that is the growing death rate by opioid use of young Americans. But these are deaths brought about by the Drug War itself which makes it impossible to know the quantity or quality of the substance that one is using. For while the media likes to associate opioids with overdose, the two are only connected because of prohibition -- but don't hold your breath waiting for the conglomerate media to point that out -- even in your "local" newspaper, which is probably owned by Gannett Corporation, Sinclair or Hearst. The fact is, we would have an overdose problem with any medicine that is outlawed and whose quality and quantity therefore cannot be accurately known by the user. Young people were not dying on the streets when opiates were legal in America; it took drug prohibition to accomplish that.
After watching my mother suffer because of the drug war, I hate to hear people tell me that the problem is drugs. WRONG! That's a western colonialist viewpoint. God loved his creation (see Genesis). He did not make trash. We need to use entheogenic medicines wisely.
The existence of a handful of bad outcomes of drug use does not justify substance prohibition... any more than the existence of drunkards justifies a call for liquor prohibition.
If Fentanyl kills, then alcohol slaughters. Drug prohibition is the real killer.
Michael Pollan is the Leona Helmsley of the Drug War. He uses outlawed drugs freely while failing to support the re-legalization of Mother Nature. Drug laws are apparently for the little people.
I wonder if Nixon knew what a favor he was doing medical capitalism when he outlawed psychedelics. Those drugs can actually cure things, and there's no money in that.
The outlawing of opium eventually resulted in an "opioid crisis"? The message is clear: people want self-transcendence. If we don't let them find it safely, they will find it dangerously.
The government makes psychoactive drug approval as slow as possible by insisting that drugs be studied in relation to one single board-certified "illness." But the main benefits of such drugs are holistic in nature. Science should butt out if it can't recognize that fact.
In Mexico, the same substance can be considered a "drug" or a "med," depending on where you are in the country. It's just another absurd result of the absurd policy of drug prohibition.
"Arrest made in Matthew Perry death." Oh, yeah? Did they arrest the drug warriors who prioritized propaganda over education?
Drug testing labs should give high marks for those who manage to use drugs responsibly, notwithstanding the efforts of law enforcement to ruin their lives. The lab guy would be like: "Wow, you are using opium wisely, my friend! Congratulations! Your boss is lucky to have you!"
Think coasters are fun? Tell that to the five people killed at the Battersea Fun Fair in 1972 when the cable of the Big Dipper snapped while the train was at the top of the hill! Show the world that they did not die in vain! Tell your representative to outlaw roller coasters today.
An average of six people die every week in the Grand Canyon, all so that they could take pictures that already exist by the millions online. Let's end this national nightmare. Write your representative and tell them to close the Grand Canyon to tourists NOW! This message brought to you by the Partnership for a Death Free America. Working to make America death free by 2030.
100,000 Americans are injured every year in horse-related accidents. In fact, horseback riding is more dangerous than both motorcycle riding and skiing. It's also the leading cause of sports-related traumatic brain injuries. So tell your kids to "just say whoa!" Look at Christopher Reeves. He was a responsible and knowledgeable equestrian. But he couldn't handle horses. The fact is, NO ONE can handle horses! Because let's face it: horseback riding is not a pastime, folks, it's a suicide 2 attempt. This message brought to you by the Partnership for a Death Free America.
Over 37,000 Americans die every year in traffic accidents, many of them young upstanding white kids like yours and mine. Stop the carnage now. Tell the DEA to outlaw cars and support House Bill 2026G to hold car dealers responsible for all car-related deaths. This message brought to you by the Partnership for a Death Free America.
Peanuts kill over 100 children a year, many of them white. Let's stop the madness. Tell the DEA to classify peanuts as Schedule I. This message brought to you by the Partnership for a Death Free America.
An average of 48 Americans are killed every year when they fall from a tree that they are climbing for so called "fun" (source: OSHA). Many of these victims are white suburban children, just like your own dear little angels. And yet tree climbing is still unregulated in most states. Don't let your children take the fall for America's lax tree climbing laws. Tell Congress to pass the Anti-Ascension bill, limiting tree climbing to licensed professionals. This message brought to you by the Partnership for a Death Free America. 
24,000 people are injured by shopping carts every year. 85% of the victims are white kids. Call your representatives today and tell them that enough is enough. It's time to ban shopping carts in all grocery stores. This message brought to you by the Partnership for a Death Free America. [Editor's note: read "shopping trolley" in UK]
Think skateboarding is fun? Tell that to the parents of the 40 kids who are killed every year by this deadly pastime. This message brought to you by the Partnership for a Death Free America.
More teens die from taking selfies than from shark attacks. Tell your congressman that it's time to outlaw mobile phones. (For 87 kids this year, it's already too late.) This message brought to you by the Partnership for a Death Free America.
People ask how can I be in favor of the eradication of hippopotamuses? I look at my children and ask, "How can I NOT????" Hippos kill thousands of people every year, many of them children. This message brought to you by the Partnership for a Death Free America. 
1,800 people die each year in car accidents caused by ice. Many of them are young white teenagers. Tell Congress to vote no on the latest Climate Change bill. This message brought to you by the Partnership for a Death Free America.
Champagne corks kill at least 20 people every year, many of them white American teenagers. Tell Congress to pass the Safe Carbonation Act of 2023. This message brought to you by the Partnership for a Death Free America.
People ask me, "How can you advocate the mass killing of sharks?" I look at my children and say, "How could I NOT?" Sharks kill at least 10 people every year, many of them innocent widdle white children. This message courtesy of the Partnership for a Death Free America.
If you see someone abusing a mobile phone, call your local authorities. 
An average of two people die every year attempting to scale Longs Peak in Colorado. Just say no to mountain climbing. This message brought to you by the Partnership for a Death Free America. 
(up)