AbolishTheDEA.com November 7, 2019

Running with the torture loving DEA

by Ballard Quass



Welcome back to the DEA Lounge!




I want to thank our public servants here for taking time out to join us. I know you've got a busy schedule, locking up liberals, so any time you can spare--





What did I say?



Hey, listen, I understand. By locking up liberals, you keep the drug warrior conservatives in power and thus maintain your crucial jobs of quashing dissent in America and limiting human consciousness.



No, seriously. I suppose the drug war was bound to happen eventually on planet earth.


GASP

It had to happen at the precise moment in human history when capitalism and modern transportation coincided with a new awareness of the psychoactive power of plants.

MURMURS

We could either greet this alignment of forces rationally or not, and guess which choice we made?

LAUGHTER

Suddenly, Chicken Little politicians were screaming: "Oh, me gosh, we have to outlaw plants!"



Wrong.


Fishkill & Egbert review the patriotic movie classic from 2019 entitled Running with the Devil, in which Natalie Reyes combats Christian Science heretics with the good old-fashioned all-American expedients of torture and assassination.




Earth to politicians: you should have outlawed the profit motive when it comes to those psychoactive plants, not the plants themselves.

APPLAUSE

I guess they had to scapegoat plants, though, since the alternative was to question the all-powerful god of capitalism.

LAUGHTER

The result? They thereby created such a violent world that we had to invent a whole new movie genre to accommodate all the bullets and bodies: namely, the drug war movie.


LAUGHTER


I hate to call such politicians morons, but if the dunce cap fits...

DRUM

LAUGHTER

"Gee, what happened? We outlawed plants and a bunch of violence ensued. Who would have thunk it?"

LAUGHTER

Answer: anyone with half a brain.

DRUM
LAUGHTER

Don't you love those drug war movies? Those movies where the DEA "heroes" laugh at the US Constitution and willfully employ torture and murder to achieve their goal of outlawing Mother Nature? Ah, yes, good old American values: torture and murder.

GASP

Check out Running with the Devil, a DEA propaganda film starring Laurence Fishburne and Nicolas Cage.

GASP

Along with Natalie Reyes as the torture-loving DEA agent.

GASP

You know, if the drug war is Christian, as many fundamentalists maintain, then I must have missed something in Sunday School.

LAUGHTER

I missed the part where Jesus told his followers to place suspects in bikini briefs, suspend them by a metal chain, and then threaten to drill holes in their abdomen with a power tool, as Natalie Reyes threatens to do to the so-called "Snitch" in Running with the Devil.

GASP

Oops, I forgot to mention: SPOILER ALERT!

DRUM
LAUGHTER

Speaking of spoilers, you ever notice that the drug war spoils democracy!

APPLAUSE

I just looked up the movie, Running with the Devil, on so-called Common Sense Media.

MURMURS

Common Sense? More like Common Nonsense.

LAUGHTER

They pan the movie for its nudity and four-letter words...

MURMURS

...but they have absolutely NOTHING to say about the movie's glorification of governmental fascism.

LAUGHTER

Common Sense Media is like: Watch out, parents. There are some very naughty words, indeed, in this movie! Land's sakes! Aside from that, though, it's just a good-natured romp extolling the wonders of fascism! So enjoy!

LAUGHTER

My name is Ballard Quass and I'll be here until they outlaw freedom of speech, which won't be long considering that our government has already had the metaphysical chutzpah to outlaw mere plants!



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There was no drug problem in Ancient Egypt. There was no drug problem in Ancient Greece. There was no drug problem in Ancient Persia. There was no drug problem in Ancient Rome. There was no drug problem in the Mongol Kingdom. There was no drug problem in the Viking Era.

Why? Because until 1914, people were judged by how they behaved, not by what substances they had in their digestive system.

The Drug War is America's unique, anti-scientific way of looking at the world. It is a war that causes all of the problems that it purports to fix: above all, it brings "drugs" front and center in the minds of the irresponsible, encouraging them to explore and use substances that they might have never even heard of without the peurile and anti-scientific plant demonization of drug war zealots.











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Get an exciting job ruining the lives of your fellow Americans. Listen to this fun audio clip to find out how!









Help America enforce Christian Science Sharia. Help nail the anti-patriotic scumbags who insist on using mother nature's plant medicines of which politicians disapprove. Great benefits. Must pass a squeaky clean drug test, proving that you have emphatically renounced all of mother nature's godsend plant medicines.






Can't pass a urine test? Order a vintage bottle of Granny's Weewee today, guaranteed squeaky clean. We use only the finest urine from teetotaling grandmothers, who gave up their right to mother nature's psychoactive plant medicines many decades ago. Why not splurge and buy the 1945 vintage? You don't want to pass up a job at Taco Bell because you were stingy! This early vintage has a great down-home bouquet and will remind the lab technicians of the good old days of Grandma and those great pies that she used to bake (or whatever).










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Manager's note: All of our comedians have undergone drug testing. None of them have been found to be using anything but the most mind-enhancing and therapeutic plants in Mother Nature's psychoactive pharmacy.

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Dear Reddit readers: I do not respond to Reddit messages for at least three reasons:
  1. Some of them are mean-spirited nonsense.
  2. Some of them are non-mean-spirited but nonsense all the same.
  3. Some of them are simply wrong-headed but inspire me to write fully reasoned comebacks, for which I simply don't have time.
If you really want to reach me, however, my name and email address can be found in a reasonably intuitive location on this site, so feel free to contact me there. I'll assume that anyone who takes the time to do so will have something meaningful to say ;)


Bone up on slam-dunk arguments against the drug war, starting with the fact that it was a violation of natural law to outlaw plant medicine in the first place. Check out the site menu for fun ways to learn more about the manifold injustice of the status quo, including many knock-down arguments never made before. Why? Because even the majority of drug-war opponents have been bamboozled by one or more of the absurd assumptions upon which that war is premised. See through the haze. Read on. Listen on. And Learn how tryants and worrywarts have despoiled American freedom, thereby killing millions around the world, totally unnecessarily, ever since the fateful day in 1914 when ignorant America first criminalized a mere plant -- and insisted that the rest of the world follow suit or else -- an act of colonialist folly unrivaled since the day of the genocidal Conquistadors.

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Abolish the DEA image featuring machine-gun-bearing DEA officers enforcing drug law sharia, cracking down on Americans for using Mother Nature's freely offered bounty

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