Welcome to the DEA
Gee, I wonder why my agent booked me here. He does realize that I'm going to be riffing on the folly of criminalizing Mother Nature, right?
Oh, well, better he book me here than he book me in San Quentin, right?
Do you guys know that the DEA marched on to Monticello in 1987 and took away Jefferson's poppy plants?
I kid you not. Talk about rolling over in one's grave, Jefferson would have been pissed big time.
He's like, "what the f...!"
"I wasn't half right about the need for frequent revolutions!"
But seriously, isn't that screwed up?
Earth to America: they're plants, dude! What are we thinking?
Boo is right! I mean, it reminds me of Fahrenheit 451, in which a tyrannous government destroys books.
Mind you, I'd rather live under that tyranny. They just tell me WHAT to think, whereas modern-day drug laws tell me HOW and HOW MUCH I can think...
...because they destroy the mind-expanding drugs
that actually help me think outside the box and grow new neurons, even!
Darn right, boo. Boo to the max, dawg. As in ruff!
What kills me is that in John Halpern's book "Opium," he paints the bland picture of the DEA reluctantly taking the plants away at the insistence of the Monticello Board of Directors. Whereas the way I hear it, the DEA stormed onto the place like so many...
Well, if the jackboot fits, wear it, right?
My name is Ballard Quass and I'll be here lambasting the drug war
until the government thinks up a way to outlaw free speech.
Hey, if a government can criminalize plants, all bets are off, right?
There was no drug problem in Ancient Egypt. There was no drug problem in Ancient Greece. There was no drug problem in Ancient Persia. There was no drug problem in Ancient Rome. There was no drug problem in the Mongol Kingdom. There was no drug problem in the Viking Era.
Why? Because until 1914, people were judged by how they behaved, not by what substances they had in their digestive system.
The Drug War is America's unique, anti-scientific way of looking at the world. It is a war that causes all of the problems that it purports to fix: above all, it brings "drugs" front and center in the minds of the irresponsible, encouraging them to explore and use substances that they might have never even heard of without the peurile and anti-scientific plant demonization of drug war zealots.
Manager's note: All of our comedians have undergone drug testing. None of them have been found to be using anything but the most mind-enhancing and therapeutic plants in Mother Nature's psychoactive pharmacy.