Welcome to 'What's My Line: Drug War Edition.' Here is your host, Blaze Thunderstone.
Today's mystery guest is Andy from Staten Island, New York. Andy, how are you doing today?
Great, Blaze, thanks.
Let's ask some questions to see if our contestants can figure out what you do for a living. Fire when ready, Mary.
Does your job have anything to do with breaking down doors and throwing grandmothers to the floor?
You might say that, yes.
Very interesting. Steve?
If I begged for mercy while you were ransacking my house, would you be likely to cut me some slack?
Ha, you wish.
I think we'll take that as a no. Harmony, your question, please.
If you broke down my door and I did not immediately get down on the floor, would you shoot me?
Of course. You would have it coming to you, in that case.
Time is up, I am afraid. Mary, what do you think that Andy here does for a living?
It's hard to say, however, I think he might be a member of the Nazi Gestapo.
Oh, close one, Mary, but that is not quite the correct answer. Steve?
Is Andy one of those mindless thugs who goes around enforcing protection rackets for the Mafia?
Oh! Once again, that's very close, but it is not the precise answer that we are looking for. Harmony, what do you think is Andy's job?
Well, if he is not in the Gestapo and he is not part of the Mob... is he one of those DEA agents who destroys houses on a whim and answers to nobody, thereby constituting an abomination in a supposedly free country?
Exactly, Harmony, well done. Yes, Andy is indeed one of those D E A agents who destroys houses on a whim and answers to nobody, thereby constituting an abomination in a supposedly free country!
You have been listening to What's My Line, Drug War edition, with your host, Blaze Thunderstone.
Comedy
The drug war is laughable -- or it would be if the drug warriors hadn't deprived us of laughing gas, the substance that William James himself used to study alternate realities.
My depression would disappear overnight if religiously intolerant America would just allow me to live as freely as Benjamin Franklin.
Drug testing labs should give high marks for those who manage to use drugs responsibly, notwithstanding the efforts of law enforcement to ruin their lives. The lab guy would be like: "Wow, you are using opium wisely, my friend! Congratulations! Your boss is lucky to have you!"
The FDA should have no role in approving psychoactive medicine. They evaluate them based on materialist standards rather than holistic ones. In practice, this means the FDA ignores all glaringly obvious benefits.
If America cannot exist without outlawing drugs, then there is something wrong with America, not with drugs.
Some fat cat should treat the entire Supreme Court to a vacation at San Jose del Pacifico in Mexico, where they can partake of the magic mushroom in a ceremony led by a Zapotec guide.
Drug Prohibition is a crime against humanity. It outlaws our right to take care of our own health.
The drug war normalizes the disdainful and self-righteous attitude that Columbus and Pizarro had about drug use in the New World.
The FDA approves of shock therapy and the psychiatric pill mill, but they cannot see the benefits in MDMA, a drug that brought peace, love and understanding to the dance floor in 1990s Britain.
Freud's real discovery was that drugs like cocaine could make psychiatry UNNECESSARY for the vast majority of people. The medical establishment hated the idea -- so they judged the drug based on its worst possible use!
Trump is the prototypical drug warrior. He knows that he can destroy American freedoms by fearmongering. He has seen it work with the Drug War, which got rid of the 4th Amendment, religious freedom and is now going after free speech.
My depression would disappear overnight if religiously intolerant America would just allow me to live as freely as Benjamin Franklin.