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A Dope Comedy Routine About Drugs

by Brian Ballard Quass, the Drug War Philosopher

November 5, 2023



Enjoy this satirical sendup of America's laughable attitude toward drugs. (Click the audio link above!)


MOTHER: Where are you off to so fast, sweetie?

SON: There's a Dare rally at the Capitol. I'm going down there to just say no to drugs.

MOTHER: Did you remember to take your meds?

SON: Yes, Mom. I popped the whole batch of them on my way through the kitchen.

MOTHER: Careful, dear. You're going to spill that Red Bull you're holding.

SON: Oh, I almost forgot. I was hoping to pick up some bush beer for Dad's upcoming party on my way back. Can you spot me a 20?


A four-panel comic strip. PANEL 1: the cartoon title, That Nutty Drug War! PANEL 2: Son: 'I'm on my way to the Just Say No Rally' PANEL 3: Mom: 'Did you remember to take your meds?' PANEL 4: Son: 'Oh, yeah, thanks for reminding me!'
Americans claim to hate drugs, and yet 1 in 4 American women are dependent on Big Pharma drugs for life, and we consider them to be good patients!




MOTHER: Only if you'll pick up a box of Virginia Slims for me.

SON: In that case, you better give me your credit card. I don't think it's safe for me to carry all that money around at night.

MOTHER: Here you are, you dope.

SON: Dope? Dope? I just say no to dope, remember?

MOTHER: Touché. Oh, and congratulations, Joey.

SON: For what, Mom?

MOTHER: I heard you passed your urine test to work at the local ABC store.

SON: What can I say? Jesus himself could not have had more impeccable urine than yours truly.

MOTHER: I'm proud of you, Joey.

SON: Oh, stop it, Mom.

MOTHER: Now, have a good time at the Dare rally.

SON: I just hope I don't run into Derek.

MOTHER: Why don't you want to see Derek? I thought he was your best drug-free friend.

SON: He is, but...

MOTHER: What?

SON: He and I had a falling out about American drug policy.

MOTHER: Really? What happened?

SON: Well, he agrees with Los Angeles Police Chief Darryl Gates that drug users should be taken out and shot.

MOTHER: Sounds like a reasonable point of view to me.

SON: Whereas I think William Bennett had the right idea when he said that drug users should be beheaded instead.

MOTHER: Well now, I think that's a topic upon which reasonable people can disagree.

SON: I'm off.

MOTHER: Oh, and we're all out of coffee. And Tylenol now that I think of it.

SON: Mom.

MOTHER: Oh, and if the pharmacy is still open, your sister needs her pills for depression, anxiety, and ADHD.

SON: I tell you what, Mom. Why don't I just bring back the entire store?

MOTHER: Don't be such a dope.

SON: Dope? Dope.

MOTHER: I know, I know. You don't do dope.








read more essays here





Ten Tweets

against the hateful war on US




It wasn't until western prudery and racism came along that we started to judge people by the substances that they chose to ingest, rather than by their actual behavior in the world.

Besides, why should I listen to the views of a microbe?

The WHO says that depression will be the number-one cause of disability by 2030. What they don't say is that this is only because drug prohibition has outlawed all obvious treatments for depression.

Thomas Szasz was not an extremist when it comes to drugs. The extremists are those who feel that psychiatrists know more about our mind and mood than we do.

"All these anti-opium articles... are based upon the same model. They assume certain statements as existing and acknowledged facts which have never been proved to be such, and then proceed to draw deductions from those alleged facts." --William Brereton

The real value of Erowid is as a research tool for a profession that does not even exist yet: the profession of what I call the pharmacologically savvy empath: a compassionate life counselor with a wide knowledge of how drugs can (and have) been used by actual people.

Scientists are censored as to what they can study thanks to drug law. Instead of protesting that outrage, they lend a false scientific veneer to those laws via their materialist obsession with reductionism, which blinds them to the obvious godsend effects of outlawed substances.

Drug testing labs should give high marks for those who manage to use drugs responsibly, notwithstanding the efforts of law enforcement to ruin their lives. The lab guy would be like: "Wow, you are using opium wisely, my friend! Congratulations! Your boss is lucky to have you!"

America's "health" system was always screaming at me about the threat of drug dependency. Then what did it do? It put me on the most dependence-causing drugs of all time: SSRIs and SNRIs.

Getting off some drugs could actually be fun and instructive, by using a variety of other drugs to keep one's mind off the withdrawal process. But America believes that getting off a drug should be a big moral battle.


Click here to see All Tweets against the hateful War on Us






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Book Cover

Break the ice with a sledgehammer: place this book on your coffee table.

This book features 150 annotated images, designed to force brainwashed Americans to confront the fact that drug prohibition is wrong. Here is what author Richard Parrish II says of the book's compiler: "The drug prohibition philosopher provides first-hand, principled, persuasive, and insightful arguments against the current drug prohibition regime..."

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Book Cover

Diary of a Drug Fiend

This is the only full-cast recording of Aleister Crowley's 1922 classic paeon to common sense. It is the first book -- and so far almost the only book -- to stake out a philosophy of drug use that is compatible with human freedom, one in which we learn to use drugs as wisely as possible for the benefit of humanity. This recording was produced by the Drug War Philosopher and your purchases help support his effort to push back against the tragically counterproductive policy of drug prohibition, in the name of human freedom and of humanity's right to heal.

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Unless otherwise indicated, no AI is used in the creation of site content. These essays represent the original ideas of their author and not the ideas that the author SHOULD have based on an algorithmic parsing of existing data. For more on this subject, consider the AI-related viewpoints to which the author subscribes as delineated in the New York Times opinion piece entitled "What 370,000 College Essays Tell Us About A.I.’s Effects on Creativity" by Rebecca Winthrop of the Brookings Institution.

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Copyright 2026, Brian Ballard Quass Contact: quass@quass.com

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