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Dr. Scumbag, you're wanted in the penitentiary. Dr. Scumbag to the penitentiary, please.
FRIDAY: My name is Friday. I carry a drug testing 1 kit.
I had just gotten the call from headquarters. It seems some children in a Van Nuys hospice center were being given morphine to treat some quote unquote severe pain. I thought I'd check out the report. If doctors are really dealing junk to children, heads have got to roll.
So thinking, I turned to my partner Frank and said...
Chop-chop, baby. There's a report of some bigtime drug abuse at Panorama City Medical Center.
FRANK: Panorama City Medical? Isn't that in a drug free zone?
FRIDAY: That's right, Frank. It's practically right across the street from Ranchito Avenue Elementary School.
FRANK: Yeah. Those drug dealing scumbags will be eligible for the death penalty if we catch them trying to dope up those helpless kids.
FRIDAY: Turn on the light show, Frank, my scumbag radar is going off.
FRANK: Say, what is a hospice anyway, Joe?
FRIDAY: A hospice? I don't know exactly, but it's obviously some kind of hospital.
FRANK: Whee doggie, you mean we're going to be arresting doctors?
FRIDAY: That's right, Frank. At least if we can keep ourselves from shooting them in cold blood when we see them dealing junk to the unsuspecting children.
2:38 P.M. We arrived at the hospital and made a self-righteous beeline for the Admissions department, where we were greeted by the receptionist.
RECEPTIONIST: How may I help you, gentlemen?
FRIDAY: We're looking for the Hospice Center.
RECEPTIONIST: Upstairs and to the left. Next?
FRANK: I'm with him!
RECEPTIONIST: All right, keep your shirt on. Jesus.
FRIDAY: 2:39 P.M. With guns drawn, we ran up the stairs and out into an open area full of hospital beds where we stopped to reconnoiter.
FRANK: I give up, Joe? Where exactly is this hospice center? All I see is a bunch of sick children.
FRIDAY: Did you say sick children, Frank?
FRANK: Yes, I did, Joe. Why?
FRIDAY: Then this must actually BE the hospice center.
FRANK: Good catch, Joe. What now?
FRIDAY: Now we just hide ourselves behind this water cooler and wait for a doctor to come along with the goodies.
FRANK: How can they do it, Joe? I mean, the kids are already sick. And now they want to turn them into addicts as well?
FRIDAY: I know, right? But get behind the water cooler so that we can catch them in flagrante delicto.
FRANK: In fragrant what?
FRIDAY: Never mind, Frank, just hide.
2:41 P.M. We waited for what seemed like hours but was actually only three minutes. Finally our patience was rewarded as a doctor walked in carrying a very suspicious looking syringe.
GIRL: Doctor, it hurts.
DOCTOR: Don't worry, sweetie. This will make you feel better.
FRANK: No it most certainly won't. Drop the syringe now!
DOCTOR: Who are you?
FRIDAY: We're your worst nightmare. Now drop the syringe and come away from the little girl.
DOCTOR: But she's in pain.
FRANK: The nerve of this guy, trying to use the little girl's unfortunate medical condition to excuse his own sordid drug pushing.
GIRL: What's happening?
FRIDAY: Everything's fine, honey. This man isn't going to bother you ever again.
2:55 P.M. We arrived back at headquarters with scumbag in tow. Our lab guys verified that the syringe was indeed filled with medical-grade morphine 2 , enough to bring peaceful sleep to dozens of hospice kids, thereby turning them into mindless junkified addicts for life.
FRANK: When will folks learn that drugs are not the answer, Joe?
FRIDAY: Hopefully not before December 31st, 2045, Frank.
FRANK: Why's that, Joe?
FRIDAY: Because that's when I retire from the police force, Frank.
FRANK: Oh.
ANNOUNCER: On November 9th, trial was held in the superior court of Los Angeles county. The scumbag was found guilty of 7 counts of drug possession, drug dealing, and contributing to the delinquency of a minor. He is currently on death row. In a strange twist, the hospice is reporting an unusually high rate of deaths among their young clientele. Police theorize that the creep was not only injecting kids with drugs, but with contaminated drugs at that.
William James knew that there were substances that could elate. However, it never occurred to him that we should use such substances to prevent suicide. It seems James was blinded to this possibility by his puritanical assumptions.
We should be encouraging certain drug use by the elderly. Many Indigenous drugs have been shown to grow new neurons and increase neural connectivity -- to refuse to use them makes us complicit in the dementia of our loved ones!
That's how antidepressants came about: the idea that sadness was a simple problem that science could solve. Instead of being caused by a myriad of interrelated issues, we decided it was all brain chemistry that could be treated with precision. Result? Mass chemical dependency.
What prohibitionists forget is that every popular but dangerous activity, from horseback riding to drug use, will have its victims. You cannot save everybody, and when you try to do so by law, you kill far more than you save, meanwhile destroying democracy in the process.
Think you can handle a horse? So did Christopher Reeves. The fact is, NOBODY can handle a horse. This message brought to you by the Partnership for a Death Free America.
I've been told by many that I should have seen "my doctor" before withdrawing from Effexor. But, A) My doctor got me hooked on the junk in the first place, and, B) That doctor completely ignores the OBVIOUS benefits of indigenous meds and focuses only on theoretical downsides.
Mayo Clinic is peddling junk. They are still promoting Venlafaxine, a drug that is harder to kick than heroin. The drug is only a problem, though, because of prohibition. It would be easy to get off of with the help of other drugs!!! WAKE UP, MAYO!
After watching my mother suffer because of the drug war, I hate to hear people tell me that the problem is drugs. WRONG! That's a western colonialist viewpoint. God loved his creation (see Genesis). He did not make trash. We need to use entheogenic medicines wisely.
Psychedelic retreats tell us how scientific they are. But science is the problem. Science today insists that we ignore all obvious benefits of drugs. It's even illegal to suggest that psilocybin has health benefits: that's "unproven" according to the Dr. Spocks of science.
The drug war outlaws everything that could help both prevent addiction and treat it. And then they justify the war on drugs by scaring people with the specter of addiction. They NEED addiction to keep the drug war going.
William James knew that there were substances that could elate. However, it never occurred to him that we should use such substances to prevent suicide. It seems James was blinded to this possibility by his puritanical assumptions.
