the only comedian whose stand-up routine is listed as Schedule One by the DEA
by Ballard Quass, the Drug War Philosopher
May 13, 2020
MCEE: Introducing the man who has passed more drugs tests than any other comedian on the planet.
ADDERALL: On Planet Mars, that is.
[laughter]
EMCEE: Let's hear it for Adderall Zoloft.
ADDERALL: Hey, use me only as directed, folks.
[applause]
ADDERALL: Here's a little riddle to warm you guys up. What do you get when you cross banisteriopsis caapi with psychotria viridis?
PAXIL: I don't know. What do you get when you cross banisteriopsis caapi with psychotria viridis?
ADDERALL: Ten to twenty years in the state penitentiary.
[drum]
[laughter]
No, seriously. You actually get ayahuasca if you're lucky.
PAXIL: Ayahuasca?
ADDERALL: That's right. Ayahuasca. Speaking of which, did you know that there's actually a church in America that has won the legal right to use ayahuasca in its religious rituals?
[applause]
I kid you not. Needless to say, the DEA fought that one all the way to the Supreme Court.
PAXIL: That figures.
ADDERALL: I'm happy to report however that they lost that final case, 9 to freakin' zero.
[applause]
PICTURE1
I don't like to gloat, but when I heard that outcome, I was like, "In your face, with a can of mace!"
[laughter]
PAXIL: I know what you mean, Adderall.
ADDERALL: Really?
PAXIL: Yeah. I myself was like, "Up your nose with a garden hose!"
[laughter]
ADDERALL: Paxil Busspar, ladies and gentlemen, my loyal sidekick. How are you tonight, Paxil?
[applause]
PAXIL: I'm doing great, Adderall.
ADDERALL: Oh, really?
PAXIL: Yes, I just passed my drug test to work at Taco Bell.
[laughter]
ADDERALL: Your parents must be so proud of you.
PAXIL: I know, right?
ADDERALL: But I'm a little puzzled.
PAXIL: Oh, really? How so?
ADDERALL: I thought you agreed with me that drug testing was so much Christian Science bull [bleep].
PAXIL: Yes, I usually do, but this drug test was actually fair for a change.
ADDERALL: The drug test was fair? What do you mean?
PAXIL: Well, after the test was over, the lab guys actually congratulated me for the drug that I had in my system. They said I had chosen well.
ADDERALL: That's interesting. And what drug did you have in your system, Paxil?
PAXIL: I can't tell you and give away the answer.
[drum]
[laughter]
ADDERALL: Fair point.
PAXIL: Suffice it to say that it was a so called entheogen, and it helped sharpen my thinking and made me more friendly and compassionate. The lab guys actually said that it would help make me a valuable addition to the Taco Bell work force.
[laughter]
ADDERALL: Aha. I bet it was a mushroom from the genus psilocybe.
PAXIL: Tut tut Adderall. Nice try, but I'm not going to give away the answer, since you haven't taken this particular drug test yet.
ADDERALL: Fair enough, Paxil. Fair enough. I'm actually waiting for someone to create a church around the ritual use of psilocybin.
[applause]
PAXIL: Good for you.
ADDERALL: Say, Paxil, is it legal to murder a ghost?
PAXIL: I don't know. There's precious little case law in that area. Why do you ask?
ADDERALL: I was thinking of summoning the ghost of Francis Burton Harrison via Ouija Board and then beating the crap out of him, for outlawing opium in 1914.
PAXIL: I'm afraid that would never work, Adderall.
ADDERALL: Why not, Paxil?
PAXIL: Because Francis's ghost would realize that the seance was a set-up job, and so he would never appear.
[laughter]
ADDERALL: Well, I'm still mighty sore at that bonehead.
PAXIL: Me too, Adderall.
ADDERALL: That man up-ended American democracy with his so-called Narcotics Act which, for the first time in American history, criminalized a freakin' plant.
[boo]
PAXIL: Now, Adderall, watch your blood pressure.
ADDERALL: I know, Paxil, but the man succeeded single-handedly in replacing the natural law on which America was founded with common law, criminalizing plants, which are the birth right of anyone who is born on planet earth.
[applaud]
PAXIL: Well, I'm sure he meant well, Paxil.
ADDERALL: Meant well? The man is responsible for millions of unnecessary deaths.
PAXIL: Remember your blood pressure.
ADDERALL: And he single-handedly created a violent movie genre in which sanctimonious Americans go south to intervene in supposedly sovereign countries in order to shoot Latinos.
[gasp]
[boo]
And why? Because they're selling plant-based medicines that have been used responsibly for millennia by non-western cultures.
PAXIL: We've talked about this, Adderall. Your audiences don't like it when you get on your high horse.
ADDERALL: It's just pops my buttons, that's all.
PAXIL: I know.
ADDERALL: I mean, stop the god [bleep] war on mother nature's [bleep] plants already.
PAXIL: It sounds like somebody didn't get a nap this afternoon.
[baby cries]
[laughter]
ADDERALL: Sorry about that, Paxil. Now then, where were we?
PAXIL: I think we were just getting to the part where everything that we say is hilarious and elicits hearty guffaws from the audience.
ADDERALL: You hear that, audience? Watch for your cue now.
[laughter]
PAXIL: I know, why don't you tell a joke?
ADDERALL: Good idea. Okay, let's see. What do you get when you cross an anti-Chinese electorate with WASP Americans who have a jaundiced view of mother nature's plants and fungi?
PAXIL: I don't know. What do you get when you cross an anti-Chinese electorate with WASP Americans who have a jaundiced view of mother nature's plants and fungi?
ADDERALL: You get the Harrison Narcotics Act of 1914, that's what you get.
[drum]
[laughter]
PAXIL: Oh, there you go again!
[drum]
[laughter]
EMCEE: Let's hear it for the only comedian whose stand-up routine is listed as schedule one by the DEA.
ADDERALL: That's right folks. They can't even study me in laboratories without an act of Congress.
The confusion arises because materialists insist that every psychological problem is actually a physical problem, hence the disease-mongering of the DSM. This is antithetical to the shamanic approach, which sees people holistically, as people, not patients.
I hope that scientists will eventually find the prohibition gene so that we can eradicate this superstitious way of thinking from humankind. "Ug! Drugs bad! Drugs not good for anyone, anywhere, at any dose, for any reason, ever! Ug!"
What attracts me about "drug dealers" is that they are NOT interested in prying into my private life. What a relief! With psychiatry, you are probed for pathological behavior on every office visit. You are a child. To the "drug dealer," I am an adult at least.
Drugs like opium and psychedelics should come with the following warning: "Outlawing of this product may result in inner-city gunfire, civil wars overseas, and rigged elections in which drug warriors win office by throwing minorities in jail."
We need to start thinking of drug-related deaths like we do about car accidents: They're terrible, and yet they should move us to make driving safer, not to outlaw driving. To think otherwise is to swallow the drug war lie that "drugs" can have no positive uses.
Drugs that sharpen the mind should be thoroughly investigated for their potential to help dementia victims. Instead, we prefer to demonize these drugs as useless. That's anti-scientific and anti-patient.
We need to stop using the fact that people like opiates as an excuse to launch a crackdown on inner cities. We need to re-legalize popular meds, teach safe use, and come up with common sense ways to combat addictions by using drugs to fight drugs.
I'm told antidepressant withdrawal is fine because it doesn't cause cravings. Why is it better to feel like hell than to have a craving? In any case, cravings are caused by prohibition. A sane world could also end cravings with the help of other drugs.
Don't the Oregon prohibitionists realize that all the thousands of deaths from opiates is so much blood on their hands? Prohibitionists, j'accuse!
The Drug War is based on a huge number of misconceptions and prejudices. Obviously it's about power and racism too. It's all of the above. But every time I don't mention one specifically, someone makes out that I'm a moron. Gotta love Twitter.
Buy the Drug War Comic Book by the Drug War Philosopher Brian Quass, featuring 150 hilarious op-ed pics about America's disgraceful war on Americans
You have been reading an article entitled, Comedian Adderall Zoloft Riffs on the Drug War: the only comedian whose stand-up routine is listed as Schedule One by the DEA, published on May 13, 2020 on AbolishTheDEA.com. For more information about America's disgraceful drug war, which is anti-patient, anti-minority, anti-scientific, anti-mother nature, imperialistic, the establishment of the Christian Science religion, a violation of the natural law upon which America was founded, and a childish and counterproductive way of looking at the world, one which causes all of the problems that it purports to solve, and then some, visit the drug war philosopher, at abolishTheDEA.com. (philosopher's bio; go to top of this page)
MCEE: Introducing the man who has passed more drugs tests than any other comedian on the planet.
You have been reading an article entitled, Comedian Adderall Zoloft Riffs on the Drug War: the only comedian whose stand-up routine is listed as Schedule One by the DEA, published on May 13, 2020 on AbolishTheDEA.com. For more information about America's disgraceful drug war, which is anti-patient, anti-minority, anti-scientific, anti-mother nature, imperialistic, the establishment of the Christian Science religion, a violation of the natural law upon which America was founded, and a childish and counterproductive way of looking at the world, one which causes all of the problems that it purports to solve, and then some, visit the drug war philosopher, at abolishTheDEA.com. (philosopher's bio; go to top of this page)