What the Walmart toy department tells us about Drug War hypocrisy
by Brian Ballard Quass, the Drug War Philosopher
December 5, 2025
All right, pull over to the side of the Web page.
Do you know why I stopped you? Well, yes, obviously, I wanted to hassle you, that goes without saying in the age of the Drug War, but what else? No ideas? I actually stopped you because according to Google Analytics, we have a lot of bouncing on this Web address and it looked like you were getting ready to bounce.
What's that? No, bouncing is not exactly a crime, but it should be when the content you're thereby missing makes it absolutely clear why drug prohibition is a crock. I mean, this is the only essay in the world that takes Walmart to task for promoting irresponsible drinking while refusing to hire anyone who dares to use substances of which beer-belly politicians disapprove.
Suppose that you could be removed from the workforce merely for having used alcohol ANY TIME AT ALL in the past, never mind just on the job. That's how Walmart treats people who use the kinds of drugs that past civilizations have considered to be panaceas and which have inspired entire religions. Meanwhile, the hypocritical and self-righteous suits at Walmart have the gall to market so-called "hydration games" to young adults in the toy aisle to encourage them to over-indulge in alcohol -- to get stinking drunk, in fact. And where are these games located? They're located right next-door to the kids' games, of course, like Candy Land, Chutes and Ladders, and Clue Junior.
Okay, I'll let you off with a warning this time: you can bounce... but only by ignoring stuff like this that nobody else on the brainwashed web is going to point out to you.
Oh, I've got to run. I see some minorities approaching in a suspiciously new car! Say what you will about drug prohibition, but it gives me great job security! There's always somebody to suspect based on my own preconceived prejudices! Hey, you, pull over to the side of the road!
The Essay proper
So I'm in Walmart yesterday buying some peanuts on the cheap for the local birds.
Let's drink to treating drugs just like we treat alcohol!
I know, I know. It was against my principles. I don't like to shop at a store that has single-handedly bankrupted almost every mom-and-pop business in the country, but I guess everybody has their price. I draw the line when it comes to bird food. I like my jays and cardinals a lot, but I am not going to pay $90 for six pounds of peanuts when I can get the same quantity for $30 at Walmart, even if I have to slink into the store like Hamlet's ghost, "like a guilty thing upon a fearful summons."
The trip turned out to be an educational experience for me, however.
Walmart stocks holiday games that encourage irresponsible drinking, like Chug of War, Do or Drink, and Buzzed, and yet we're told we should not glorify the use of drugs that have been considered godsends in the past.
As I was shuffling toward the checkout counter with upturned collar, fearful of being spotted by one of my censorious cronies who would be sure to razz me for my hypocritical presence in the enemy's lair, it occurred to me that I might as well kill two birds with one stone while I was here. I might as well buy gifts for both human beings AND birds. I was already in Walmart, after all. The damage had already been done. In for a penny, in for a pound, as they say. So thinking, I began skulking toward the toy department with a view toward checking out the coolest new games for Christmas. What I was to discover there was a real eye opener.
I had scarcely deposited my three bags of surprisingly heavy peanuts on the floor, when I beheld a set of toy shelves before me positively crammed with so-called "hydration games." You've heard of "hydration games," right? These are those games in which the basic point is to get as irresponsibly drunk as possible. (Actually, I had never heard of the phrase before. I didn't know that "hydration games" was even a "thing." The penny only dropped when I noticed that the word "hydration" was prominently emblazoned on every other game box, as if to say to the curious window shopper: "Wink-wink! We know how fun it is to stay 'HYDRATED,' don't we, game lover?! Wink-wink!")
"How ironic!" I thought to myself. "If I proclaim (with Sigmund Freud himself1) that cocaine could be a godsend for the depressed and help those with cognitive impairment, I am told that I am glorifying drug use. But when it comes to the drug called alcohol, Americans are actually encouraged, not simply to use the drug, but to use it IRRESPONSIBLY! That's the whole fun of drinking, apparently, at least on the holidays! Who knew?"
Here are just a few of the (wink-wink) "hydration games" that Walmart is targeting at our precious white vulnerable young people -- and for Christmastime, no less!!!
The game titles include:
-Chug o' War
-D is for Drink
-Buzzed
-You Laugh, You Drink
-Drunk Confidence
-Drink If...
-These Cards Will Get You Drunk
-Tipsy Land
-Shot Roulette
-Girls in Bar Bathrooms
-Drunk as an A**
More holiday 'hydration' games from Walmart, where the goal is to get 'wasted' -- and this in a world where we're told not to glorify time-honored drug use that actually helps with mood and mentation!
Now, I have nothing against drinking whatsoever, even if it is connected with 178,000 deaths a year in America alone2, far more than any other drug, except for nicotine3. I even believe that most Americans are smart enough not to overdo it, even in a world in which "hydration games" are a "thing." My point is rather that the popularity of these games in America today -- and the fact that they are being brazenly flogged by Walmart, the "mainstream company" par excellence -- speaks volumes about the enormous hypocrisy of America's attitudes toward mind-affecting substances.
Imagine if any outlawed drug were promoted in a similar way. There would be howls of protests from white parents around the nation. There would be predictions of dire outcomes for public health and safety. "Imagine, telling our children to use drugs," Henny Penny would cry, "and to use them irresponsibly at that!" Government agencies would begin scouring the statistics to prove that such games -- and the publicity surrounding their existence -- result in an increase in car accidents, murders, depression, and suicide!
But if the drug is alcohol, Americans switch from an outraged Dr. Hyde, crushing all human beings that get in their way, to the genteel Mr. Jekyll, striding the world with the aplomb of an aristocrat. "Oh, alcohol," they say. "Why didn't you SAY so? No worries there, old boy. Kids will be kids, after all, eh, what? Besides, surely it's up to parents to teach their kids to be responsible, not government -- or even Walmart, for that matter!"
This kind of spoiled my day, to be honest. This preponderance of drinking games in the toy aisle had really rattled me. There are times when I like to take a break from thinking about drug-war hypocrisy, and this was one of those times. Now I had been reminded of everything that I was trying to forget: namely, the hateful Drug War and how it illustrated everything that is wrong with America today. On the bright side, however, I was no longer worried about being spotted by one of my irreverent cronies. Let the neck craning commence as far as I was concerned. I could no longer care less.
And so I positively stalked back to the checkout area, chin in the full upright position, determined to lambaste the Drug War with my very next essay. I would show them now, thank you very much! Humph! The idea: promoting the deliberate misuse of alcohol while outlawing drugs that could prevent suicides and render shock therapy unnecessary!
For well over half a century, prohibitionists have been telling us not to glorify drug use, and yet Walmart carries games that not only glorify alcohol use, but glorify ABUSING alcohol!
I never did get around to buying a Christmas gift for a friend or loved one, by the way; that is just how distracted I had become by the logically and morally challenged game selection at Walmart. Indeed, I was actually mad as I strode back to the front of the store, and not just about the Drug War either. My anger recognizes no topical boundaries at such times, so the folks around me had better beware! I was actually hoping that one of them would cross me in some way or other so that I could give vent to my pent-up indignation. That's not really fair of me, of course, seeing as my real indignation would have been generated elsewhere, namely in the game department, but I could technically excuse an outburst on my part, provided only that my victim vouchsafed me an affront of any kind, be it never so slight and unintentional. All I needed was for them to "make my day!"
Meanwhile, I would have to content myself with muttering under my breath as I approached the front of the store:
"Why are there so few cashiers here today, AS USUAL?! Why do they always force me to check stuff out myself! Talk about cheapskates! I see only one regular checkout aisle that might actually be open and that one's located a full mile away on the complete other side of the store!"
So thinking (or rather so muttering) I headed toward the next available self-checkout machine, nursing an ever-growing list of grievances enroute.
But I can never stay angry for long.
These misanthropic states of mine are both rare and short-lived. They are by no means characteristic of my personality in general. Indeed, I have been known, time out of mind, for the pensive serenity of my disposition. (What, you mean you didn't KNOW that?) Moreover, the gloominess thus occasioned is always dispelled in a trice by the least act of kindness toward my person, which brings me to the surprisingly upbeat conclusion of this story.
The young Walmart overseer of the self-service section was so unexpectedly friendly to me that I instantly repented of my grouchiness, the more so when I reflected that she was probably receiving a substandard wage for her exertions. If she can turn lemon into lemonade, why can't I? Life wasn't that bad after all, was it? I should be thinking about my jays and cardinals back home. Won't they be delighted when I start shelling out the peanuts again after a two-week hiatus brought about by a disruption in the supply chain? I suddenly couldn't wait to see the looks on their faces when I resumed my practice of placing peanuts on the railing of my upstairs balcony. Won't THEY be surprised?! Yes, life was good, wasn't it? Better enjoy it while one can, right?
At least until the next real-world reminder of Drug War hypocrisy comes along! Humph!
EPILOGUE
I wish I had been a child prodigy: I wish I had been able to see all this clearly in my youth. It would have been hilarious. Just imagine a freshman creative writing class in which I turn in a story about "My Trip to Walmart." The teacher is expecting a few mildly amusing anecdotes about modern consumerism. But I stand up before the class and explain to the students how I found Walmart's promotion of drinking games in the age of drug prohibition to be logically incoherent.
The teacher would be like: "Okay, that's very interesting, Brian. But we have to move along to the next speaker."
And I would be like: "No, seriously, teacher: how do you square drug prohibition with the belief that we should treat the most inherently dangerous drug of all as if it were absolutely harmless, so much so that we can -- and even SHOULD -- misuse it at will? What? Help me out here. I'm trying to understand." Then, turning toward my fellow students: "And what are YOU guys gaping at? Surely, even a five-year-old can see the cowardly self-interested hypocrisy at work here. Don't embarrass yourselves by playing dumb. It's an affront to Reason!"
Actually, I would have had to ask my Fairy Godmother for two things to bring about this deliciously subversive utopia. In addition to my metamorphosis into a teenage genius, I would have had to have asked her ladyship for a side order of self-confidence -- biggie-sized.
"They have called thee Soma-lover: here is the pressed juice. Drink thereof for rapture." -Rig Veda
(There would be no Hindu religion today had the drug war been in effect in the Punjab 3,500 years ago.)
Cocaine is not evil. Opium is not evil. Drug prohibition is evil.
I'm told that science is completely unbiased today. I guess I'll have to go back and reassess my doubts about Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy.
In the board game "Sky Team," you collect "coffees" to improve your flying skills. Funny how the use of any other brain-focusing "drug" in real life is considered to be an obvious sign of impairment.
If America cannot exist without outlawing drugs, then there is something wrong with America, not with drugs.
Now the folks who helped Matthew get Ketamine must be sacrificed on the altar of the Drug War, lest people start thinking that the Drug War itself was at fault.y
Here's the first step in the FDA process for evaluating a psychoactive drug:
Ignore all glaringly obvious benefits
Drug prohibition has resulted in hundreds of thousands of completely unnecessary deaths thanks to totally preventable drug overdoses!
Drug Prohibition Downside #1,529:
aviation accidents caused by pilots who failed to use mind-sharpening drugs to improve their situational awareness. (See, for instance, Comair flight 5191)
Addiction was not a big thing until the drug war. It's now the boogie-man with which drug warriors scare us into giving up our freedoms. But getting obsessed on one single drug is natural in the age of choice-limiting prohibition.
I wish I had been a child prodigy: I wish I had been able to see all this clearly in my youth. It would have been hilarious. Just imagine a freshman creative writing class in which I turn in a story about "My Trip to Walmart." The teacher is expecting a few mildly amusing anecdotes about modern consumerism. But I stand up before the class and explain to the students how I found Walmart's promotion of drinking games in the age of drug prohibition to be logically incoherent.
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