Lock 'em up! Lock 'em up!
you want a drug war, we'll give you a drug war
by Brian Ballard Quass, the Drug War Philosopher
December 15, 2019
[standup]
Welcome back to the DEA Lounge.
[applause]
You know, the Drug Warriors don't want a real Drug War.
[murmurs]
That's right, because a real Drug War would crack down, first and foremost, on the use of the two most devastating drugs in American history: alcohol and tobacco.
[applause]
I kid you not.
[laughter]
If we launched a REAL Drug War, then the hypocritical William Bennetts of the world would be the first so-called "scumbags" to be thrown into the slammer.
[gasp]
And when Billy complains, we'll be like: "Hey, we're just taking your own advice: cracking down on nasty drugs -- and the scumbag druggies like yourself who use them."
[drums]
[laughter]
Mind you, in such a Drug War we'd have to leave sentiment behind and get tough.
[gasp]
The William Bennetts, I'm afraid, will have to be removed from the voting rolls pronto.
[applause]
And have their urine tested for tobacco and alcohol at least once a week by government-provided health experts. We should probably televise that testing, too, so that innocent Americans who are subjected to that debasing procedure for no reason at all (i.e., in the absence of all probable cause!) can see that we're not just singling them out.
[laughter]
That's it, Billy, pee: the clock is running and we're going to have to go to a commercial break in a minute.
[drums]
Seriously. Make me head of the DEA. I'd be like: "Throw Billy in the slammer and be sure to take away his voting rights!"
[applause]
And if he threatens to write a book about that so-called "injustice," be sure to confiscate all his book profits and put it towards our drug education efforts!
[laughter]
^{Drug Warrior Boasting:
"I've given up my right to more of nature's godsends than you have!" }{
I'll be like: You want a Drug War, Billy, you got a Drug War, homie.
[drums]
Of course there's an even better idea: stop arresting folks for merely possessing substances and start punishing folks for bad behavior.
[applause]
But, of course, law enforcement fights that tooth and nail, because they're the ones who are getting rich off of the misery of arrested Americans.
[boo]
Maybe the next time the Drug Warriors talk about cracking down, we should agree with them -- only insist that the crack down focuses on the mere possession of tobacco and alcohol.
[applause]
What do you want to bet those pious hypocrites will suddenly be screaming about their rights -- that is, the same rights that they have denied the rest of America for the last half a century.
[applause]
My manager's over there like, "Tell some jokes, damn it!" OK, here's one: Why did the Drug Warrior cross the road? Give up? To make sure that valuable plant medicines were never used by Americans for the purposes of beating depression and improving one's outlook on life.
[drums]
You've been a wonderful audience.
[laughter]
But are you patriotic, that's the question?
[gasp]
But no worries: we're about to find out. We're going to test you all for alcohol and tobacco use on the way out, for the greater good of society, you understand.
You know what they say, folks: Just say "Jawohl, Herr Drug Warrior!"
Of course, we can't force you to urinate for us -- but that won't stop us from viewing you with raised eyebrows from now on should you fail to comply with our reasonable and patriotic request!
Come on, folks, piss -- if not for me, then for your country!
Speaking of piss, it looks like I've pissed off some DEA muscle men over there at the bar. I wonder how many doors they've kicked down to protect Americans from Mother Nature's plants. I tell you, it's a positive bonanza for Home Depot and Lowe's. New doors must be flying off the shelves as real estate agents replace the portals that the DEA has kicked in as part of their efforts to punish Americans for possessing (horror of horrors!) plants!
Just kidding, guys, just kidding!
Ten Tweets
against the hateful war on US
Trump supports the drug war and Big Pharma: the two forces that have turned me into a patient for life with dependence-causing antidepressants. Big Pharma makes the pills, and the drug war outlaws all viable alternatives.
Drugs are not the enemy, ignorance is -- the ignorance that the Drug War encourages by teaching us to fear drugs rather than to understand them.
It's interesting that Jamaicans call the police 'Babylon,' given that Babylon denotes a society seeking materialist pleasures. Drug use is about transcending the material world and seeking spiritual states: states that the materialist derides as meaningless.
In "The Book of the Damned," Charles Fort shows how science damns (i.e. excludes) facts that it cannot assimilate into a system of knowledge. Fort could never have guessed, however, how thoroughly science would eventually "damn" all positive facts about "drugs."
All the problems that folks associate with drugs are caused by prohibition. Thousands were not dying on the streets when opioids were legal in America. It took prohibition to bring that about.
As great as it is, "Synthetic Panics" by Philip Jenkins was only tolerated by academia because it did not mention drugs in the title and it contains no explicit opinions about drugs. As a result, many drug law reformers still don't know the book exists.
Cocaine use is a blessing for some, just a little fun for most, and a curse for a few. Just like any other risky activity. We need to educate people about drugs rather than endlessly arresting them for attempting to improve their mental power!
Prohibitionists have nothing to say about all other dangerous activities: nothing about hunting, free climbing, hang-gliding, sword swallowing, free diving, skateboarding, sky-diving, chug-a-lug competitions, chain-smoking. Their "logic" is incoherent.
The Drug War brought guns to the "hoods," thereby incentivizing violence in the name of enormous profits. Any site featuring victims of gun violence should therefore be rebranded as a site featuring victims of the drug war.
It's rich when Americans outlaw drugs and then insist that those drugs did not have much to offer in any case. It's like I took away your car and then told you that car ownership was overrated.
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Thanks for visiting The Drug War Philosopher at abolishthedea.com, featuring essays against America's disgraceful drug war. Updated daily.
Copyright 2025, Brian Ballard Quass
Contact: quass@quass.com
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