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Lock 'em up! Lock 'em up!

you want a drug war, we'll give you a drug war

by Brian Ballard Quass, the Drug War Philosopher

December 15, 2019



[standup]

Welcome back to the DEA Lounge.

[applause]

You know, the Drug Warriors don't want a real Drug War.

[murmurs]

That's right, because a real Drug War would crack down, first and foremost, on the use of the two most devastating drugs in American history: alcohol and tobacco.

[applause]

I kid you not.

[laughter]

If we launched a REAL Drug War, then the hypocritical William Bennetts of the world would be the first so-called "scumbags" to be thrown into the slammer.

[gasp]

And when Billy complains, we'll be like: "Hey, we're just taking your own advice: cracking down on nasty drugs -- and the scumbag druggies like yourself who use them."

[drums]
[laughter]

Mind you, in such a Drug War we'd have to leave sentiment behind and get tough.

[gasp]

The William Bennetts, I'm afraid, will have to be removed from the voting rolls pronto.

[applause]

And have their urine tested for tobacco and alcohol at least once a week by government-provided health experts. We should probably televise that testing, too, so that innocent Americans who are subjected to that debasing procedure for no reason at all (i.e., in the absence of all probable cause!) can see that we're not just singling them out.

[laughter]

That's it, Billy, pee: the clock is running and we're going to have to go to a commercial break in a minute.

[drums]

Seriously. Make me head of the DEA. I'd be like: "Throw Billy in the slammer and be sure to take away his voting rights!"

[applause]

And if he threatens to write a book about that so-called "injustice," be sure to confiscate all his book profits and put it towards our drug education efforts!

[laughter]

^{Drug Warrior Boasting:
"I've given up my right to more of nature's godsends than you have!" }{


I'll be like: You want a Drug War, Billy, you got a Drug War, homie.

[drums]

Of course there's an even better idea: stop arresting folks for merely possessing substances and start punishing folks for bad behavior.

[applause]

But, of course, law enforcement fights that tooth and nail, because they're the ones who are getting rich off of the misery of arrested Americans.

[boo]

Maybe the next time the Drug Warriors talk about cracking down, we should agree with them -- only insist that the crack down focuses on the mere possession of tobacco and alcohol.

[applause]

What do you want to bet those pious hypocrites will suddenly be screaming about their rights -- that is, the same rights that they have denied the rest of America for the last half a century.

[applause]

My manager's over there like, "Tell some jokes, damn it!" OK, here's one: Why did the Drug Warrior cross the road? Give up? To make sure that valuable plant medicines were never used by Americans for the purposes of beating depression and improving one's outlook on life.

[drums]

You've been a wonderful audience.

[laughter]

But are you patriotic, that's the question?

[gasp]

But no worries: we're about to find out. We're going to test you all for alcohol and tobacco use on the way out, for the greater good of society, you understand.

You know what they say, folks: Just say "Jawohl, Herr Drug Warrior!"

Of course, we can't force you to urinate for us -- but that won't stop us from viewing you with raised eyebrows from now on should you fail to comply with our reasonable and patriotic request!

Come on, folks, piss -- if not for me, then for your country!

Speaking of piss, it looks like I've pissed off some DEA muscle men over there at the bar. I wonder how many doors they've kicked down to protect Americans from Mother Nature's plants. I tell you, it's a positive bonanza for Home Depot and Lowe's. New doors must be flying off the shelves as real estate agents replace the portals that the DEA has kicked in as part of their efforts to punish Americans for possessing (horror of horrors!) plants!

Just kidding, guys, just kidding!








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Ten Tweets

against the hateful war on US




When scientists discuss suicide without mentioning the fact that their government has outlawed drugs, it is like scientists discussing deaths from bacterial infection without mentioning the fact that their government has outlawed antibiotics.

Drug Warriors should be legally banned from watching or reading Sherlock Holmes stories, since in their world, it is a crime for such people as Sherlock Holmes to exist, i.e., people who use medicines to improve their mind and mood.

It's just plain totalitarian nonsense to outlaw mother nature and to outlaw moods and mental states thru drug law. These truths can't be said enough by us "little people" because the people in power are simply not saying them.

Question: Why do doctors judge cocaine by its worst possible use? Answer: Follow the money.

Here are some political terms that are extremely problematic in the age of the drug war: "clean," "junk," "dope," "recreational"... and most of all the word "drugs" itself, which is as biased and loaded as the word "scab."

Scientists hold holistically working drugs to reductionist standards, thereby practicing a sort of pharmacological colonialsm.

David Chalmers says almost everything in the world can be reductively explained. Maybe so. But science's mistake is to think that everything can therefore be reductively UNDERSTOOD. That kind of thinking blinds researchers to the positive effects of laughing gas and MDMA, etc.

How would we even KNOW that outlawed drugs have no positive uses? We first have to incorporate them in a sane, empathic and creative way to find that out, and the drug war makes such a sensible approach absolutely impossible.

Timothy Leary's wife wrote: "We went to Puerto Rico and all we did was take cocaine and read Faust to one another." And there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG with that!!! The drug war is all about scaring us and making illegal drug use as dangerous as possible.

@HKSExecEd The use of Ecstasy brought UNPRECEDENTED peace and love to the British dance floors in the 1990s. When are political scientists going to acknowledge the potential for such substances to pull our species back from the brink of nuclear annihilation?


Click here to see All Tweets against the hateful War on Us






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Book Cover

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Book Cover

Diary of a Drug Fiend

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Unless otherwise indicated, no AI is used in the creation of site content. These essays represent the original ideas of their author and not the ideas that the author SHOULD have based on an algorithmic parsing of existing data. For more on this subject, consider the AI-related viewpoints to which the author subscribes as delineated in the New York Times opinion piece entitled "What 370,000 College Essays Tell Us About A.I.’s Effects on Creativity" by Rebecca Winthrop of the Brookings Institution.

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