They used to laugh at him, said he'd never be a stand-up comedian. Well, they're not laughing now. Give it up, please, gang, for Johnny O'Clonapan.
[applaud]
Oh, I'm sorry. Was that my cue?
[laughter]
That's far too subtle for me to pick up on.
[drum]
[laughter]
Thanks for coming out. I should warn you, however, that there will be a drug test at the end of my gig.
[gasp]
So pay attention.
[laughter]
Of course, I myself have already taken a drug test before coming on tonight.
WOMAN: Uh-huh.
^{This is the DEA Lounge, after all, where you're judged not by the color of your skin, but by the contents of your digestive system.}{
[drum]
[laughter]
I'm happy to say that I passed the drug test with flying colors.
[applaud]
Oh, thank you very much.
Oh, my government would be so proud of me.
CROWD: Awww!
The drug-testing lab didn't find so much as one single naturally occurring godsend in my system.
ANGELS: Praise God!
That's good because according to Christian Science Sharia, I am not allowed to work in America if I use plant medicine to improve my psychological condition.
Sounds like we have some Drug War heretics in the house.
MAN: Yeah.
Speaking of which, it's a good thing that Freud got his psychotherapeutic work out of the way before America's Drug War began. Otherwise, he'd be smoking his trademark cigars in the San Quentin prison yard.
[laughter]
Freud would be like:
FREUD: Yo, homie. You're in this joint because you had a bad relationship with your father. Wanna talk about it?
And the homeboy would be like:
HOMEBOY: Do you want me to bust your head, yo?
[laughter]
Listen to this here cokehead, talkin' about my father? That [bleep] is whack, yo.
And then there's Ben Franklin, who used to liberally avail himself of opium 1 . Just think: If he had lived in the age of the Drug War, he would have been a mere unemployed scumbag. Benjamin Franklin would be panhandling on the street, talking about:
FRANKLIN: Hey, dude, I just invented a lightning rod.
And the guy on the street would be like:
GUY: And you know where you can PUT that lightning rod, you damn junkie.
[laughter]
Here's an idea for a Drug War: Let's criminalize tobacco and alcohol and throw everyone in jail who partakes of them. That's a Drug War that I could get behind because it would give the hypocritical Drug Warriors a taste of their own medicine.
[applaud]
We'll have drug tests, too, and anyone who has drank or smoked within the last three weeks won't be able to get so much as a job at Taco Bell.
[laughter]
I was about to say you've been a great audience, but I really won't know that until I've learned what you guys have got in your respective digestive systems.
[gasp]
So let's take a short break while you all provide urine samples to our lab technicians.
[boo]
What's the matter? Are you guys anti-American or something? ^{Drug testing is as American as... as... as invading other countries to burn plants that other cultures have been using responsibly for thousands of years.}{
[boo]
You do realize that this is the DEA Lounge, right? I'm sure that the powers that be are taking note of your anti-American reaction to my drug-testing proposal.
MAN: Uh-oh.
Uh-oh is right. Is there not one patriot in the house who is willing to take a patriotic piss for America?
[crickets chirping]
I'll take that as a no... as well as a sign that this lounge has a serious insect problem.
[drum]
[laughter]
I'm going to be generous, though. On behalf of the United States government, I'm going to allow you to continue seeking gainful employment in the United States despite your failure to take my drug test.
[applaud]
Aren't I magnanimous?
WOMAN: Ah, yes.
Just remember: if you ever happen to ingest a natural substance that promotes happiness or motivation and provides you with psychological insight, chances are you are in violation of American Sharia.
WOMAN: Ah!
So, spit that substance out at once.
[spits]
WOMAN 2: Disgusting!
And kindly report yourself to the nearest DEA office.
MAN, siren wailing: Clear the way, folks: drug scumbag coming through!
[tires squeal] [brake engages] [car door opens & closes] [feet walking on gravel] [knock on door] [door creaks open]
FEMALE AGENT: Welcome to the DEA! [agent cackling]
They will then handle all the pesky details of ruining your life by consigning you to the nearest massively overcrowded penitentiary.
[cell door clangs]
FEMALE AGENT: Sleep tight! [agent cackling]
[laughter]
You've been a great audience... as far as I can tell. You sure you're not gonna piss for me?
[boo]
OK, relax. There's no harm in asking. That's a shame, though, because I paid a pretty penny to have these lab technicians come along.
CROWD: Awww!
I guess they'll just have to go back to their labs to continue removing marijuana users from the American workforce.
If fearmongering drug warriors were right about the weakness of humankind, there would be no social drinkers, only drunkards.
Scientists cannot tell us if psychoactive drugs are worth the risk any more than they can tell us if free climbing is worth the risk, or horseback riding or target practice or parkour.
The Drug War shows us that American democracy is fundamentally flawed. Propaganda and fearmongering has persuaded Americans to give up freedoms that are clearly enunciated in the U.S. Constitution. We need a new democracy in which a Constitution actually matters.
Here's the first step in the FDA process for evaluating a psychoactive drug:
Ignore all glaringly obvious benefits
Everyone's biggest concern is the economy? Is nobody concerned that Trump has promised to pardon insurrectionists and get revenge on critics? Is no one concerned that Trump taught Americans to doubt democracy by questioning our election fairness before one single vote was cast?
It is evil to give the depressed drugs to help them die while barring them from using drugs that could make them wish to live.
And so, by ignoring all "up" sides to drugs, the DEA points to potential addiction as a knock-down argument for their prohibition. This is the logic of children (and uneducated children at that). It is a cost-benefit analysis that ignores all benefits.
Even when laudanum was legal in the UK, pharmacists were serving as moral adjudicators, deciding for whom they should fill such prescriptions. That's not a pharmacist's role. We need an ABC-like set-up in which the cashier does not pry into my motives for buying a substance.
Cocaine is not evil. Opium is not evil. Drug prohibition is evil.
To say that psilocybin has not been proven to work is like saying that a hammer has not yet been proven to smash glass. Why not? Because the process has not yet been studied under a microscope.
(up)