AbolishTheDEA.com December 15, 2019

Lock 'em up! Lock 'em up!

by Ballard Quass

you want a drug war, we'll give you a drug war

Welcome back to the DEA Lounge.

APPLAUSE

You know, the drug warriors don't want a real drug war.

MURMURS

That's right, because a real drug war would crack down, first and foremost, on the use of the two most devastating drugs in American history: alcohol and tobacco.

APPLAUSE

I kid you not.

LAUGHTER

If we launched a REAL drug war, then the hypocritical William Bennetts of the world would be the first so-called "scumbags" to be thrown into the slammer.

GASP

And when Billy complains, we'll be like: "Hey, we're just taking your own advice: cracking down on nasty drugs -- and the scumbag druggies like yourself who use them."

DRUM
LAUGHTER

Mind you, in such a drug war we'd have to leave sentiment behind and get tough.

GASP

The William Bennetts, I'm afraid, will have to be removed from the voting rolls pronto.

APPLAUSE

And have their urine tested for tobacco and alcohol at least once a week by government-provided health experts. We should probably televise that testing, too, so that innocent Americans who are subjected to that debasing procedure for no reason at all (i.e., in the absence of all probable cause!) can see that we're not just singling them out.

LAUGHTER

That's it, Billy, pee: the clock is running and we're going to have to go to a commercial break in a minute.

DRUM

Seriously. Make me head of the DEA. I'd be like: "Throw Billy in the slammer and be sure to take away his voting rights!"

APPLAUSE

And if he threatens to write a book about that so-called "injustice," be sure to confiscate all his book profits and put it towards our drug education efforts!

LAUGHTER

Drug Warrior Boasting:
"I've given up my right to more of nature's godsends than you have!"

I'll be like: You want a drug war, Billy, you got a drug war, homie.

DRUM

Of course there's an even better idea: stop arresting folks for merely possessing substances and start punishing folks for bad behavior.

APPLAUSE

But, of course, law enforcement fights that tooth and nail, because they're the ones who are getting rich off of the misery of arrested Americans.

BOO

Maybe the next time the drug warriors talk about cracking down, we should agree with them -- only insist that the crack down focuses on the mere possession of tobacco and alcohol.

APPLAUSE

What do you want to bet those pious hypocrites will suddenly be screaming about their rights -- that is, the same rights that they have denied the rest of America for the last half a century.

APPLAUSE

My manager's over there like, "Tell some jokes, damn it!" OK, here's one: Why did the drug warrior cross the road? Give up? To make sure that valuable plant medicines were never used by Americans for the purposes of beating depression and improving one's outlook on life.

DRUM

You've been a wonderful audience.

LAUGHTER

But are you patriotic, that's the question?

GASP

But no worries: we're about to find out. We're going to test you all for alcohol and tobacco use on the way out, for the greater good of society, you understand.

You know what they say, folks: Just say "Jawohl, Herr Drug Warrior!"

Of course, we can't force you to urinate for us -- but that won't stop us from viewing you with raised eyebrows from now on should you fail to comply with our reasonable and patriotic request!

Come on, folks, piss -- if not for me, then for your country!

Speaking of piss, it looks like I've pissed off some DEA muscle men over there at the bar. I wonder how many doors they've kicked down to protect Americans from Mother Nature's plants. I tell you, it's a positive bonanza for Home Depot and Lowe's. New doors must be flying off the shelves as real estate agents replace the portals that the DEA has kicked in as part of their efforts to punish Americans for possessing (horror of horrors!) plants!

Just kidding, guys, just kidding!

Next essay: Snoop Pearson's Muddle-Headed Take on Drugs

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There was no drug problem in Ancient Egypt. There was no drug problem in Ancient Greece. There was no drug problem in Ancient Persia. There was no drug problem in Ancient Rome. There was no drug problem in the Mongol Kingdom. There was no drug problem in the Viking Era.

Why? Because until 1914, people were judged by how they behaved, not by what substances they had in their digestive system.

The Drug War is America's unique, anti-scientific way of looking at the world. It is a war that causes all of the problems that it purports to fix: above all, it brings "drugs" front and center in the minds of the irresponsible, encouraging them to explore and use substances that they might have never even heard of without the peurile and anti-scientific plant demonization of drug war zealots.

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Welcome, Patriotic Pissers

More pics every week!

Get an exciting job ruining the lives of your fellow Americans. Listen to this fun audio clip to find out how!

Help America enforce Christian Science Sharia. Help nail the anti-patriotic scumbags who insist on using mother nature's plant medicines of which politicians disapprove. Great benefits. Must pass a squeaky clean drug test, proving that you have emphatically renounced all of mother nature's godsend plant medicines.

Can't pass a urine test? Order a vintage bottle of Granny's Weewee today, guaranteed squeaky clean. We use only the finest urine from teetotaling grandmothers, who gave up their right to mother nature's psychoactive plant medicines many decades ago. Why not splurge and buy the 1945 vintage? You don't want to pass up a job at Taco Bell because you were stingy! This early vintage has a great down-home bouquet and will remind the lab technicians of the good old days of Grandma and those great pies that she used to bake (or whatever).

End the War on Drugs

by Christian Science Heretics

Mine by Birth

by Thomas Jefferson and the Poppies

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by God and His Minions

Urine testers needed to ruin American lives

Your Call is Impotent to Us

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Drug War Virus Update

DEA help line

Manager's note: All of our comedians have undergone drug testing. None of them have been found to be using anything but the most mind-enhancing and therapeutic plants in Mother Nature's psychoactive pharmacy.

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Drug War Copaganda

The DEA: Poisoning Americans since 1973

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Dear Reddit readers: I do not respond to Reddit messages for at least three reasons:

Some of them are mean-spirited nonsense.
Some of them are non-mean-spirited but nonsense all the same.
Some of them are simply wrong-headed but inspire me to write fully reasoned comebacks, for which I simply don't have time.

If you really want to reach me, however, my name and email address can be found in a reasonably intuitive location on this site, so feel free to contact me there. I'll assume that anyone who takes the time to do so will have something meaningful to say ;)

Bone up on slam-dunk arguments against the drug war, starting with the fact that it was a violation of natural law to outlaw plant medicine in the first place. Check out the site menu for fun ways to learn more about the manifold injustice of the status quo, including many knock-down arguments never made before. Why? Because even the majority of drug-war opponents have been bamboozled by one or more of the absurd assumptions upon which that war is premised. See through the haze. Read on. Listen on. And Learn how tryants and worrywarts have despoiled American freedom, thereby killing millions around the world, totally unnecessarily, ever since the fateful day in 1914 when ignorant America first criminalized a mere plant -- and insisted that the rest of the world follow suit or else -- an act of colonialist folly unrivaled since the day of the genocidal Conquistadors.