Abolish the DEA

Drug War Jeopardy

EMCEE: From the Phony Pictures Studio in Hollywood, this is Drug War Jeopardy!

ALEX: Thank you, Johnny. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Hello and welcome to Drug War Jeopardy!, where we give you the answers and you ask the questions, all about America's most righteous and holy drug war. We welcome back our contestants from last week, including Albert from London, England.

ALBERT: Hello, Alex.

ALEX: Aditi from New Delhi, India.

ADITI: Hello, Alex.

ALEX: And Jesse from Toronto, Ontario.

JESSE: Hello, Alex.

ALEX: Let's reveal today's Drug War categories. We have...





Jesse, you had the most squeaky clean urine, in our drug test back stage, so you go first.

JESSE: Thank you Alex. I think I'm going to try CIVIL LIBERTIES BE DAMNED for 800.

ALEX: All right then. The Category, CIVIL LIBERTIES BE DAMNED. The answer, is: "Uncle Sam wants this, if you're going to work for him."

Yes, Albert.

ALBERT: What is my piss, Alex?

ALEX: Piss, or urine, is correct. You're on the board with 800, Albert. Please Select.

ALBERT: I think I'll try AMERICAN POLICE STATE for 200.

ALEX: AMERICAN POLICE STATE for 200. The answer is: "Be sure to use CSS, when you write a web page about this, Drug War synonym."

Yes, Aditi.

ADITI: What is Christian Science Sharia, Alex.

ALEX: That's right, Christian Science Sharia, CSS. You're on the board now with 200. Please select.

ADITI: I think I'll try TORTURE, SHE WROTE for 100, Alex.

ALEX: TORTURE, SHE WROTE for 100. The answer, is: "Don't get on the wrong side of Natalie Reyes' drug-fighting character in the 2019 movie Running with the Devil. She just might hang you from one of these.

Yes, Aditi.

ADITI: What is a fish hook?

ALEX: No, I'm sorry. Albert?

ALBERT: What is a grappling hook?

ALEX: No, I'm sorry. Any ideas, Jesse?

JESSE: What is a meat hook, Alex?

ALEX: Yes, that's what we were looking for, meat hook. You'll recall that the torture scene took place in a butchery, where the scumbag drug suspect was forced to wear a Speedo, Served him right. He shouldn't have been selling mother nature's plants in the first place.

Jesse, your turn now. Please select a category.

JESSE: I will try PATRIOTIC POISONS for 800, Alex.

ALEX: PATRIOTIC POISONS for 800. The answer is... The Daily Double. You have 100 dollars. How much are you going to wager on your knowledge of patriotic poisons?

JESSE: I think I'll wager $100, Alex.

ALEX: Okay, $100. The category is PATRIOTIC POISONS. The answer, is. "Don't pop your peas when pronouncing the name of this patriotic potion that was used by DEA Chief John C. Lawn to poison pot smokers in the 1980s."

JESSE: What is paraquat, Alex?

ALEX: That's right Jesse. Paraquat. A weed killer that has subsequently been shown to cause Parkinson's Disease. Congratulations. That brings you up to $200. Please select again.

Oh, sorry, I spoke too soon. There's the buzzer, telling us that time is up. We have Albert with 700, Jesse with 200, and Aditi in a close third with 100. We'll be back for Final Jeopardy! in a moment. But first let's reveal the category so that our contestants can make their wagers. This one sounds interesting, folks. Today's final jeopardy category is: CRACKING DOWN IN THE EIGHTIES. Let's see what this is about. We'll be right back with final jeopardy.

Okay, our players have made their wagers. The final jeopardy category, is CRACKING DOWN IN THE EIGHTIES. And the answer is: "Reagan and Bush both urged American kids to turn in these, if they happened to be using plants of which politicians disapproved." Good luck.

[music playing loudly]

ALBERT: Excuse me, Alex, but how are we supposed to think with that stupid music playing?

ADITI: Yes. That music is highly annoying.

JESSE: Tell me about it.

ALEX: Okay, a very interesting jeopardy question today. Let's see if our contestants got the right question. Let's start with Aditi with 100 dollars. She wrote, "What is their parents?" That's right, a good American child was supposed to turn in his or her parents in the 1980s if they found mama or papa using those naughty plant substances of which politicians disapproved. How much did you wager? 100 dollars, which leaves you at a total of 200 dollars, Aditi.

Moving on to Jesse with $200. What did she write? "What is your hired help?" Oh, no, I'm sorry. I guess we all know what tax bracket Jesse is in. How much did you wager? $200. I'm afraid that will leave you at zero.

Moving on to Albert now, who's in the lead with 700. He also wrote, "What is our parents?" How much did you wager? A conservative $100, meaning that you are our winner today on Drug War Jeopardy with a total of 800.

Thanks for a great game, everybody. Oh, wait a minute. I am just getting a message from the judges. It turns out that Albert actually failed his drug test this morning, so the winner will be Jesse instead. Jesse and Aditi, come on over here and chat with me during the credit roll.

JESSE: Kewl.

ADITI: That is what I am talking about now.

ALEX: As far as you are concerned, Albert, what can I say? Just stay put. The police are on their way.

ALBERT: Bloody hell.

EMCEE: From the Phony Pictures Studio in Hollywood, this has been Drug War Jeopardy!, brought to you by America's most righteous and holy drug war.

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