Abolish the DEA

Step Away from the Mushroom!

Live from Portugal, where drugs are legal.

Sort of.

Let's hear it for the man whose comedy routines are listed as schedule one by America's DEA: Johnny O'Clonapan.

Great to be here at Casino Montegordo in the town of Porto in the lovely Algarve. Mind you, I am a little miffed.


That's right, a little miffed, sir. I studied up diligently on my Spanish for the last two weeks, only to realize upon arrival that you lot speak Portuguese.

Ay, carumba.

But you've got to love Portugal. They've decriminalized drugs.

Ay, carumba.

But you know what's funny? Anyone? Does anyone know what's funny?

No. What is funny, Johnny?

I'm glad you asked. It's funny that Portugal still requires you to go for rehabilitation if you're found using magic mushrooms.

You are joking me?

No, I'm not joking you. They actually send you for rehabilitation if you're found using magic mushrooms in order to improve your outlook on life.

That is very strange.

I know, right? I mean, what are they going to teach you: that you should stop using Mother Nature's bounty and rely on highly addictive Big Pharma pills instead?

Ay, carumba.

Sounds like re-education a la Joseph Stalin to me.

Ay, carumba.

What's with all the 'ay carumbas', baby?

Ay, carumba.

I guess my sidekick is an android who's stuck in some sort of infinite programming loop.

Ay, carumba.

Here, let me give her a gentle kick, kind of like the way we used to fix our televisions back in the day.

Hello. My name is Aditi.

Wow. I've succeeded beyond my wildest dreams. Not only have I loosened her tongue, but I've changed her nationality as well.

Ay, carumba.

Oh, now, don't you start.

I hear Austria is the same way. They'll let you use mushrooms, but if they catch you, they'll send you for re-education.

Re-education, Johnny?

Yeah. It's like they're going to force you to become a Christian Scientist.

Now be a good little drug abuser and take your meds.

But I don't want to be a drug warrior!

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